Dear Life,
Today I had to take Kumaka to get a baseline MRI.
Kumaka has had a ton of surgeries, and tests that required anesthesia.
I am here to say it never gets easier.
My most unfavorite thing to do is to be there when the anesthesiologist puts the mask on him while I am still in the room.
Watching my baby sleep in an instant like that is unnatural and I don't like it one bit.
Having Kumaka being older and more aware makes things even harder.
He cried when his daddy gave him his blessing.
He was fine in the waiting room, but asked me what exactly they were doing.
I told him they were going to make him go to sleep, put an IV in, and then take pictures of his brain and spine.
He does not like getting an IV.
I can't blame him.
When I placed him on the MRI table, big crocodile tears started rolling down his cheeks.
It made me so sad.
The doctor put the mask on his face.
And he fell asleep crying.
And my heart broke.
Again.
Like it does every single time I leave him in the hands of doctors and anesthesiologists.
It's all necessary, and we've done it more times than we can count.
But it's never easy to put your baby in someone else's hands.
Thank heaven he's happy now.
Food, a juice box, and his dad and he's a new boy.
Thankful more than ever for CHOC.
For a brand new wing where parents can sit comfortably and wait in peace while their children are undergoing surgery or procedures.
For the nurses who care for children like they are their own.
For the staff who understands when a mommy is sad for their child.
Dear Life,
Have you ever thought to yourself...
"well...this is NOT what I thought my life would be when I was a little girl having big dreams"?
I don't ever question why me...why my family...but I do question how.
How.
HOW.
How do I deal with all of these medical issues? How do I protect my children? How do I make everyone happy? How do I help my boys become amazing men?
Right now...I don't know HOW to help my baby boy. I have trusted doctors for six years. From the time I was pregnant to now. There have been times I have had to fight. HARD. I'm okay with that. But ever since my boy had hip surgery, life has been hard for him. He's had to be way less active...since February. And then...as soon as the first cast came off he broke his leg. He is now out of the cast...but his leg is not fixed. And I'm not sure what the right thing is to do. So here is my letter...to the doctors that care for my child.
Dear doctors....
Do you realize how hard it is to put my baby's life in your hands?
Before he was even born, I was told to trust you. I was told I would have to allow you to operate on my baby the day of his birth. I would rather have ripped out my own heart.
How do I give you my newborn?
I never held him. And I had to trust that nothing bad would happen. And I had to say goodbye....
The. Absolute. Hardest. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Done. EVER.
Since then, I have had to trust so many of you, and sometimes you have been wrong. I am a mom. I am not a nurse. I am not even a college graduate. But I have had to learn a lot over the last five years. With each new problem, I have to learn more things. We have come across something now that is breaking my heart. My son is now not able to be as active as he used to be. And I don't know if he will ever regain that function.
Why can't you fix it?
How did this happen?
How long will this go on?
Please, I implore you, fix his legs.
Give him his mobility back.
Don't tell me that we have to wait and see.
Don't tell me you're not sure.
What if it was your child?
What would you do then?
Would you work tirelessly until you solved the problem?
Please...solve this problem.
There have been some who treat my son like he was their own.
For that I am grateful.
Those doctors give me hope.
Sincerely,
A very sad mom
I am so thankful at this time for a few things.
I am thankful for my faith.
I KNOW that God has a plan...and that my boy is in His hands.
(although that does not always make it easy...)
I am grateful for the strong shoulders my husband has. He is always there for me... he is my rock.
I am grateful for my children...and their patience when I lose my mind.
I am grateful for my friends and family...who always keep my baby in their hearts, prayers, and thoughts.
