What I've learned

Dear Life,


I have learned something so very important over the last month or so.  I have learned that I am not in charge.  I am not the shot caller.  I can't control the universe.  

WHAT???? 


It took me eighteen years of motherhood to realize that.  This whole time I thought my kids were MY kids.  I used to think that it was my job to teach them...to guide and direct them...to mold them and that they would be these awesomely wonderfully successful people and they would go the route I directed them and life would be great.  I was right in some aspects....it is my job to teach them and guide them.  And of course they are awesome and wonderful no matter what.  But guess what people? They get to make their own decisions...and they will or will not tell you all about their life...


AND LIFE GOES ON....for you and them.


WHAT????


But that's not even THE most important thing.  As I was guiding and teaching and mothering....(good bad and ugly)...my son was growing up and learning his own voice.  And his story once he became an adult is now out of my hands.  He's actually out of everyone's hands.  Well that's not entirely true.  He is in God's hands.  He always has been, and he always will be.  I have heard whispers...that have strengthened that testimony.  I know that my boy is learning, growing, and he will be ok.  I know there will be heartaches...I don't know how much he will share with me....but even though he's across the ocean....God has got him....and he will be ok.  I am so grateful to know this.  And I am grateful that for a time I was able to be his world.  I am grateful that God gave me the opportunity to take care of one of His children.  (well really five of them)  


I read this quote today...and it totally fit where I am at right now....


Time passes quickly. Many parents say that it's like


 yesterday that their children were born. Now those


 children are grown, perhaps with children of their 


own. Where did the years go? they ask. We cannot 


call back time that is past, we cannot stop time that 


now is, and we cannot experience the future in our 


present state. Time is a gift, a treasure not to be put 


aside for the future but to use wisely in the present.  

~Thomas S. Monson

I am going to spend my time treasuring my children now....before they go off on their own.

Post #2 Hip Surgery

Dear Life,

The second day of Kumaka's surgery was one of the worst ever.  If you didn't read about the day of his surgery you can find it here.  Stuart had gone home late the night before, and my adrenaline had abruptly stopped and I hit a brick wall.  I held Kumaka's little hand as I laid in the cot next to him.

He was awake a lot during the night, but not talking, or moving.  I kept peeking at him, and the nurse kept checking his output (which wasn't what it should be still) and checking his vitals.

   I had the Disney Channel on for him, but he was still in a fog and not really paying attention.  Early in the morning, I got up off the cot, brushed my teeth, and was talking to the nurse.  She seemed still concerned about his vitals, and his output.  This had never happened before.  It seemed like the doctor was mildly concerned, but not panicked.  His heart rate would elevate, and then stabilize, his blood pressure was ok,  they were blowing air towards his face to help him breathe more comfortably.  But he was just sort of there, and he was very very pale.  It made me so sad to see him that way.  I called Stuart and told him that Kumaka was really not doing very well.  He told me he was going to get the boys off to school and come out.  The doctor came in again, and I expressed my concerns.  I told her that I understood that with a twelve hour surgery, he would be groggy and out of it, but his body is not responsive like it should be. I was also concerned that he was starting to sound like fluid was building up in his lungs. She agreed, and the first thing they wanted to address was the fact that the fluid was not coming out as it should.  She ordered Lasix, which is basically a medication that would force the excess liquid to come out.  She said sometimes when people have surgery, their bodies start to retain all the fluid in their tissues, and they definitely didn't want him to have the possibility of getting pneumonia which he has a history of.  The nurse gave him the medication, and they left him to rest a little.

 About a half an hour later, Kumaka started to throw up.  I called for the nurse, and no one was coming.  I went out to the floor, and no one was in the nursing station and the doctor was not sitting there either.  I ran back to our room, and Kumaka started vomiting again, and he started looking pretty gray.  Then his heart monitor starting beeping and I got really panicked.  You see, about two months ago, I had a pretty horrific dream that Kumaka was in the hospital, and I was there with him when he started to throw up.  In my dream, I paged the nurse and no one came.  I went out of the room and no one was there.  In my dream, I came back in the room, held Kumaka, and as I looked down at him, he died in my arms.  It was a horrific dream, and I remember exactly everything in it.  I felt like I was living it.  I started to cry and panic.  I went back out and kind of yelled at the operator that we needed a nurse and the doctor right now.   Then I went to Kumaka and held him and talked to him until everyone came in.

 As the nurse took care of him, I took the doctor aside, shared my nightmare with her and explained that I was really terrified right now and to please do something to help him.  She knows us very well, and knows that I am not a panicky mom.  She hugged me and told me she wouldn't leave him until he was stable again.  She looked at his labs, called the orthopedic surgeon to have them come look at him, and told me he may need a blood transfusion because his hemoglobin was low.  She ordered respiratory therapy, another round of antibiotics, and after having ortho look at him, decided he definitely needed the transfusion.  Right then, one of my friends called me, and I just lost it.  She told me she was going to come with her husband and he could give Kumaka a blessing.  I called Stuart and told him to hurry up, that Kumaka needed him.  When everyone got there, Stuart and Christian gave Kumaka a blessing, and then I had to go  home to get out of my head.  I wasn't doing him any good there, and Stuart was fresh and able to think.  I took a nap, took a shower, and then went back about four hours later.  By then he looked a little better, but he still had a little bit of work ahead to get released.  My boy was really such a warrior, I couldn't even believe the strength this little person was showing even going through all of this.


Stay tuned for the next episode....getting his wheelchair!