Rejoice

Dear Life,

I want to share progress my tall one has made.
I would love for all of you that have read about his heartbreaking diagnosis, those of you that have kept him in your prayers, thoughts, and well wishes, to be able to REJOICE with us. 
August is when things started going south in a bad way.
His anxiety was at an all time high, and he started to become extremely depressed.
He wouldn't leave the house.
October we found out about the psychosis episodes.
That was three months of pure hell.
He was not even able to communicate to the therapist or psychiatrist.
School was not happening.
Basketball was not happening.
His life seemed like it was falling apart.
In reality, it was.
As we read about his diagnosis in the beginning, we felt like we would never get our boy back.
We were scared he would never come back to us fully.
We were scared he would never find joy again.
6 months later, and a LOT of HARD HARD work by many many people, and we have our boy back.
He is on the proper medications (finally).
He is now at school FULL TIME!!!!!!!!!
He works out with his basketball team every day (at the gym and on the court).
He had his first basketball game last weekend (since the summer time) and did great.
He is eating healthier, going to sleep at a good time, and is generally happier. 
His anxiety level is now at a 2.  
A TWO people!!!!!!

We never gave up on him.
We never sent him away.
We just loved him hard.
We loved him unconditionally.
WE NEVER GAVE UP.
HIS TEAM NEVER GAVE UP.
Even when he told us he wanted to give up (because the fight was SOOOOO dang hard) we pushed him.
We encouraged him.
We gave him goals.
Now he has goals again.
And he's working his tail off.

We are rejoicing!
We understand that his fight is ongoing.
But we are finally seeing progress. 
And it's huge.

#IAmNotAshamed
#ItTakesATeam
#EndTheStigma

Rebound

Dear Life,

1. 
   

In August last year, we started seeing subtle changes in our tall one.  
His anxiety was THROUGH THE ROOF.
He couldn't even play basketball.  
His anxiety would literally paralyze him.
He then started to show signs of depression.  
He wouldn't leave the house.
He wanted to.
But he couldn't.

We didn't understand exactly how serious his situation was until he told me about the guy he was seeing.
The guy that didn't really exist.
Our world fell apart.
Literally.
We had no idea what any of it meant.
We didn't understand WHY.
We mourned his former self.
DAILY.

His dreams and goals disappeared.
He told me he would never leave the house again.
He felt so very alone.
And as his parents WE felt alone.
Alone in literal hell.
How do you help someone deal with voices and people that only he can see and hear?

We had to fight for his very existence.
Because he was not able to go to school, the recommendation was to send him to a facility out of the county that could help him.
We were completely against sending him away.
His biggest fear was just that.....us sending him away.
How could we, his parents, his family, the people he trusts the most do that?
(There are cases that it's very appropriate to do that.....we just didn't feel like that was the correct choice for our family)
So we fought.
We fought what felt like everything and everyone.
We even had to fight him sometimes.
We had to fight him to continue to fight.
We had to fight this unseen assailant.
We had to learn about a different kind of illness.

Thankfully, our boy was accepted into a special program that deals specifically with his type of illness.
He has a psychiatrist to help him navigate his medicine;
He has a therapist to help him learn how to deal with situations appropriately;
He has us to love him;
He has school support to guide him educationally;
And he has his coaches who have given him hope when we couldn't give him hope.

We have learned to give him small goals, sometimes daily.
He has learned to trust us and in turn trust himself.
He is learning that he CAN.
He is learning to not give up.

In basketball, when you make a shot and miss, it's super important to try to get the rebound.  

re·bound¹

verb

rəˈbound,ˈrēˌbound/

1. bounce back through the air after hitting a hard surface or object.

Our boy has hit a seriously hard surface.  
Fallen flat on face, sometimes literally.
Today, he rebounded...and in a huge way.
Today he went to school all day.
For the first time in over a year. 
He called the shots, his goal was smaller than that.
But he asked to stay all day.
And now he's at basketball practice.

I'm sure he will have more hard days.
He will not sail through this without rough patches.
But he will get through those rough patches.
He will may have some scratches, bumps and bruises.
He will also have learned and grown and stretched.
He will have experience.
He will know that he can do it. 

He can get the rebound....and he can make the basket.

Why?

Dear Life,

Why do I go to church on Sunday? Why is sacrament meeting, sunday school, and Relief Society so important? Isn't there something I could be doing more important?

I go to church because I am a follower of Christ, and I am trying to do everything I can to be like him.  I attend three meetings that are one hour each for the same reason.  And today I was given a huge confirmation that there is NOTHING more important than those three hours on Sunday.

Our stake president challenged us to make Sacrament Meeting a personal uplifting and spiritual experience by going to church earlier, focus upon reverence and worship instead of conducting business and visiting.   As we arrived and sat down, I literally felt the spirit so strong just sitting there.  Everyone was quiet, the organist was playing hymns, and I was able to really reflect on the Jesus Christ, and what sacrament means.  I felt so peaceful, and really took in all of the moments during that hour.  It was amazing.

The lesson in Relief Society was about Adversity.  The lesson was from the Teachings of Howard. W. Hunter.  You can read the lesson here.  It's a really good lesson.  When I think about adversity, I think "I'm cool, I don't need any thing else to worry about".  Unfortunately, that is not how things work.

"We see many joys and sorrows in the world, many changed plans and new directions, many blessings that do not always look or feel like blessings, and much that humbles us and improves our patience and faith.  We have all had those experiences from time to time, and I suppose we always will..." 

I was really moved by the lesson.  The last few months has been really a daily struggle with the beast of adversity.  Dealing with Kalani's mental health issues is hard hard work...daily.  He's learning a new normal, and we are learning how to support him and guide him even when he has hard days.  Today was a hard day.  Mondays aren't easy.  For ANYONE!  But for people who deal day in and day out with anxiety and depression it's the beginning of the week of expectations.  You are expected to go to school, practice, work, etc.  Except thinking about everything you are supposed to do puts you in a tailspin.  And you don't understand WHY it's still hard.  WHY you're not better yet.  WHY you have to fight every day.  Mondays are typically the days my boy is mad.  And wants to give up.  Which means I have to fight harder for him.  And sometimes that means against him.  Because he can't sit at home, he HAS to get out and live life.  So....today was one of THOSE days.  And I got mad too.  Not at Kalani, just at having to fight.  At adversity.  It really is not very fun at all! 

Then I thought of the lesson yesterday.  I felt a degree of comfort and the anger dissipated a little. 

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.  If not so, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness, nor misery, neither good nor bad".  (2 Nephi 2:11)

Then I received a letter from my missionary.  He had his ups and downs last week for sure.  And instead of me comforting him, he gave me advice.  His wisdom in his 18 years is amazing.  He sent me this picture.  

In the last two days I have been bombarded with this lesson. Ok God,  I get it.  Adversity is necessary.  And I can choose to be mad, sad, or whatever, or I can learn from it and move forward.  Move forward I will.  And so will my boy.  We will overcome this challenge.  

I need these lessons, I need to be fortified so that when my day goes south, I can pull up my pants and move forward.  I love this gospel.  I love Jesus Christ, and I know that through His sacrifice my son's mind will be whole again.