Free Agency

Dear Life,

When you think of free agency, what comes to mind?
As a Latter Day Saint, we have been taught this principle:

Agency, or the ability to choose, is one of God’s greatest gifts to His children.
Our eternal progression depends on how we use this gift. 
We must choose whether to follow Jesus Christ or follow Satan.

We teach our children right from wrong daily. 
Always tell the truth, don't steal, be kind, don't pull your sister's hair, etc. 
Our children learn there are consequences if they do not make good choices. 
Don't do your homework, you will get a bad grade and probably lose screen time. 
Give mom sass when asked to do something and you will probably gain extra chores. 

But we don't always teach our kids how to deal with the after effects of someone else's bad choice if it affects them directly. 
If someone drives under the influence and crashes into you, you have to deal with that, but it can make you angry. 
It wasn't your choice that put you there. 

I have been thinking a lot about my son, and the suffering he has faced for years because of the choices of another. 
How do we deal with this?
How do I teach him forgiveness, to move forward, when I am angry?
I mean I'm really angry. 
This person robbed my son of 4  years of his life. 
My boy's life will be altered forever. 
All because of someone else's agency. 

Then I think about God. 
He gave us the gift of agency. 
He probably wishes he could tap us on the shoulder when we are about to do something wrong and say " are you sure you want to do that?"
He loves us, and wants us to be happy. 
So why do bad things happen. 
Why does my son have to suffer. 
All I can think of is what I have been taught. 
As we teach our family the principles of the gospel, we can fall back on them to deal with difficult challenges. 
We can pray, often, read the words written in the scriptures, we can read talks from our leaders, we can forgive. 
We can love each other. 
And we can fight battles together. 

I wish my son never walked home that day long ago. 
I wish he would have been receptive to getting help earlier. 
All we can do now is be there for him, and rely on our God, and find comfort in His loving arms. 
We can learn to forgive, so that our son can forgive. 
We can take this awful experience and grow, get stronger, and become more refined. 


As victims, if we are faithful, we can take great comfort in knowing that God will compensate us for every injustice we experience. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin stated: “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. … Every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”

(The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness
By Elder Kevin R. Duncan
Of the Seventy
April 2016 Conference)

Why?

Dear Life,

Why do I go to church on Sunday? Why is sacrament meeting, sunday school, and Relief Society so important? Isn't there something I could be doing more important?

I go to church because I am a follower of Christ, and I am trying to do everything I can to be like him.  I attend three meetings that are one hour each for the same reason.  And today I was given a huge confirmation that there is NOTHING more important than those three hours on Sunday.

Our stake president challenged us to make Sacrament Meeting a personal uplifting and spiritual experience by going to church earlier, focus upon reverence and worship instead of conducting business and visiting.   As we arrived and sat down, I literally felt the spirit so strong just sitting there.  Everyone was quiet, the organist was playing hymns, and I was able to really reflect on the Jesus Christ, and what sacrament means.  I felt so peaceful, and really took in all of the moments during that hour.  It was amazing.

The lesson in Relief Society was about Adversity.  The lesson was from the Teachings of Howard. W. Hunter.  You can read the lesson here.  It's a really good lesson.  When I think about adversity, I think "I'm cool, I don't need any thing else to worry about".  Unfortunately, that is not how things work.

"We see many joys and sorrows in the world, many changed plans and new directions, many blessings that do not always look or feel like blessings, and much that humbles us and improves our patience and faith.  We have all had those experiences from time to time, and I suppose we always will..." 

I was really moved by the lesson.  The last few months has been really a daily struggle with the beast of adversity.  Dealing with Kalani's mental health issues is hard hard work...daily.  He's learning a new normal, and we are learning how to support him and guide him even when he has hard days.  Today was a hard day.  Mondays aren't easy.  For ANYONE!  But for people who deal day in and day out with anxiety and depression it's the beginning of the week of expectations.  You are expected to go to school, practice, work, etc.  Except thinking about everything you are supposed to do puts you in a tailspin.  And you don't understand WHY it's still hard.  WHY you're not better yet.  WHY you have to fight every day.  Mondays are typically the days my boy is mad.  And wants to give up.  Which means I have to fight harder for him.  And sometimes that means against him.  Because he can't sit at home, he HAS to get out and live life.  So....today was one of THOSE days.  And I got mad too.  Not at Kalani, just at having to fight.  At adversity.  It really is not very fun at all! 

Then I thought of the lesson yesterday.  I felt a degree of comfort and the anger dissipated a little. 

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.  If not so, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness, nor misery, neither good nor bad".  (2 Nephi 2:11)

Then I received a letter from my missionary.  He had his ups and downs last week for sure.  And instead of me comforting him, he gave me advice.  His wisdom in his 18 years is amazing.  He sent me this picture.  

In the last two days I have been bombarded with this lesson. Ok God,  I get it.  Adversity is necessary.  And I can choose to be mad, sad, or whatever, or I can learn from it and move forward.  Move forward I will.  And so will my boy.  We will overcome this challenge.  

I need these lessons, I need to be fortified so that when my day goes south, I can pull up my pants and move forward.  I love this gospel.  I love Jesus Christ, and I know that through His sacrifice my son's mind will be whole again. 

A Farewell Sunday

Dear Life,

 Today is the last Sunday I will spend with Kekoa for two years.
Today is the last talk we will hear him speak for two years.
Family and friends came to hear his words and spend time with him today.

It was a beautiful, amazing morning sitting next to those we love listening to words from my son.
He spoke about the Plan of Salvation.
He taught us.
He shared special moments he experienced in Hawaii.
And of course I cried.  
My baby is leaving, going to serve a two year mission for our church.
He will be serving the people of the Kentucky Louisville mission.  
I am so very proud of him.
He has such a beautiful spirit.
A silly giggle.
A heart that loves others.
He will be an amazing missionary.  


It was a great afternoon, full of amazing Hawaiian food made by my wonderful father in law and sister in law.

Many of our dear family and friends came to spend time with Kekoa today, to give him a big hug and say "See you in two."
My heart is full, and I can't wait to hear all of the stories he will have for us.  
Kekoa, as the first missionary in our family, you are a pioneer!  You are a huge example!
I am so thankful for Kekoa, proud of his choice to serve the Lord for two years.  
I am so thankful to our family who helped us prepare an amazing meal that Kekoa LOVED (Hawaiian food...just in case he doesn't have any in Kentucky!)
I am so thankful to everyone who came to spend time with him and see him off.  

What a beautiful day!




I love this song...such a wonderful way to think about serving the Lord.

Lyrics

1. 1. Go forth with faith to tell the world
   Of Jesus Christ, the Lord.
   Bear witness he is God's own Son;
   Proclaim his wondrous word.
   Go forth with hope and courage strong
   To spread the word abroad
   That people of all nations
   Are children of our God.
2. 2. Go forth with love to tell the world
   The joy of families--
   That we may be with those we love
   Thru all eternity.
   Go forth to serve and do your best
   With no thought of reward;
   Then you shall know the boundless joy
   Of serving Christ, the Lord.
3. 3. Go forth with pow'r to tell the world
   The gospel is restored,
   That all may gain eternal life
   Thru Jesus Christ, the Lord.
   Go forth to preach his glorious truths
   Of peace, of joy, and love,
   That all who heed his holy word
   May praise the Lord above.
4. Text: Ruth M. Gardner, 1927-1999. (c) 1985 IRI
5. Music: Lyall J. Gardner, b. 1926. (c) 1985 IRI

Because He Lives....there is love!

Dear Life,

As I contemplate my life, and my relationship with Christ during this Easter season, I want to share my story, my journey to Christ.  During high school, when a lot of teens are struggling to find out who they are and where they belong, I was part of the group that knew a lot of people but didn't really fit in any group.  I felt ugly, unpopular, and unloved. I started to feel depressed and completely alone.  I was hurting so much inside.  I felt like no one understood, that I was a burden on those around me.  I found myself literally thinking of ways to leave this earth.  I felt like everyone around me would be better off if I was gone. Unfortunately, one day, when I was feeling extremely low, I took handfuls of my medication.  Then I went for a walk.  I truly wanted to die, but when I started feeling really sick, I called my friends and they took me to the hospital.  I was put in the psych ward for teens battling suicide, and drug and alcohol abuse.  I felt sick and angry.  I wouldn't see my mother.  My friends didn't want to come see me because I was "the crazy one".  I spent two weeks going to group sessions, one on one therapy meetings with psychologists, and hating every moment.  I did not feel any more loved.  And when I went to school, it was worse.  Everyone knew what I had done and while some kids were kind, others were not.  My senior year, I tried suicide again and was not successful.  And one of my good friends fathers told me in no certain terms that I needed to stop being so selfish, that I needed to see how many people love ME and how it would devastate them all if I were to succeed.  Somehow, I managed to graduate high school, I moved out of my mom's house and moved out on my own.  

The next three years, I worked full time and spent time going out with my friends.  Looking back, I realize that I was still punishing myself.  I was taking risks, not taking care of myself, passively hurting myself.  I told myself I was having fun, but inside, I was still hurting.

When I was 21, I met an amazing man.  He was funny, he was a good friend.  He listened to me.  He held my hand.  He cared.  He loved me.  He became my very very best friend.  One day I asked him if he went to church.  He said he was a Mormon, but wasn't currently going to church.  I told him I knew that I wanted to belong to a church, just wasn't sure which one.  He took out the Book of Mormon, and read the Joseph Smith story to me.  Hearing that story made me curious, and I wanted to know more.  Two weeks later the Sister Missionaries were going from house to house and landed on our door step.  Stuart and I took the discussions together.  

We got married that year, and then one week later I got baptized.  That was twenty years ago.  I remember when I was first baptized sitting in sacrament one day, and tears just came out of my eyes as I realized that all those times I thought I was alone, He was really there with me.  Although I didn't grow up with a father in my home, I had a Father in Heaven that was always there and loved me and protected me.  That He got me through those difficult times.  

Now, as I look at the last twenty years, my sweet husband, my amazing children, I thank God so much for giving his only Son......for Because He Lives.....we will all live again.

My son who can't walk right now will walk one day; he will be whole.  

My daughter who doesn't talk will one day run and jump and play and talk my ear off.  

Because He Lives, there is love.  My heart is so full and I am so thankful.  

A tribute

Dear Life,

Two weeks ago, my beloved grandmother passed away.  My grandma was amazing.  She wasn't raised to be the lovey dovey, sweet as pie grandma that one might think makes an amazing grandma.  She was a no- nonsense, speak her mind grandma.  She was frugal, and you knew when you went to her house you better not put your hands on the wall.  But she was always there.  ALWAYS. 

 She taught me to love God.  She taught me about Jesus.  Not in words, but in actions.  She was a servant of God until the day she died. She served her church every single day.  Literally until she went into the hospital.  And even then, she tried to leave the hospital to finish what she was doing.

  She taught me about unconditional love.  She was a presence in our lives always.  When I was little, she took us to church every Sunday.  She gave us a dollar to put in the offering basket.  After church, we would always go to breakfast.  Such favorite memories.  Once a year, her and my grandpa took my sister and I to Disneyland.  We never got souvenirs, we ate at the burger places not the sit down restaurants, and she sure did love the Country Bear Jamboree (which I HATED as a kid), but it was a place that we went to with them.  It was so fun.  As we grew up, got married, had kids, she was always there for them.  She went to promotions, graduations, soccer games, choir performances, baptisms, baby blessings, birthday parties, and anything else that was important to us.  

She has been constant in our lives.  Over the last few years, she has been sick, and she has missed my grandpa terribly.  He passed away before he could meet Kumaka, in October 2006.  She had been alone a long time.  I knew that one day, she would have to leave our world, and go to the next, happy to see her husband and her family.  We are all so sad that she is gone.  There is a gaping hole where she used to be.  But I am so very thankful for the gospel, for knowing that we can be together as a family again.  I am thankful she is no longer suffering.  And I am so thankful for every single thing she taught me while she was here.  I asked my boys what they remember about grandma, and the first thing Kekoa said was she was always there. That is her legacy.  

A Confession

Dear Life,


When I went to church for the first time with Sofi, I got my feelings hurt.  People didn't know what to do with her, what class she should go to, what to think. I mean, she was so teeny tiny, she didn't look like a five year old, she was like a baby.  

 I went into fight mode.  This was my baby we were talking about.    I spoke with our bishop expressing my frustration.  Then I took a minute and realized I needed to TEACH people what to do, not ASSUME they know what to do when they see children that are disabled.  I live with disability day in and day out.  Most people don't.  I forgot that.  I was not being fair to those in our church.  For that, I am so sorry.  I took my sweet girl into Relief Society, dressed in her prettiest dress with her hair as perfect as could be, and introduced her to the women. 

 I shared her story.  And with tears in my eyes I asked them to please consider taking turns with her so that I could go to class.  I needed spiritual edification more than ever.  The sisters were amazing.  They got lists together and every week people took turns taking her to primary.  I have since communicated with the Primary President to talk about the best placement for Sofi.  Talking together, sharing what works and what doesn't, and putting aside my very tender heart to be able to not get my feelings hurt but hear what people are actually saying really helped me resolve our issue.  Since then, our church has put a great article about how to reach out to those with disabilities.  I love this article so much and it's applicable to so many areas.  It's called "Reaching Out to Those with Disabilities-And Their Families" in the February 2015 issue of the Ensign.    Please take a few minutes to read it.  Its opened my eyes and touched my heart.  It can be applied outside of a church environment as well.  Be a friend, take the time to listen, be understanding.  Parents of children or caretakers of adults that have disabilities are often exhausted, and don't realize that they need to take the time to explain what their life is like.  I am so thankful for Sofi.  She is such a bright light in our family.  And we are so thankful to everyone who has taken the time to spend an hour with her, to sing with her, to ask how she's doing.  

Beautifully messy

Dear Life, 

Today, as we all started getting ready for church at 8:00 am (for 11:00 church) I was thinking "Yes! I got this. My daughter just got out of the hospital, and now I have to fit in not only feeding her by mouth, but feeding her via GTube as well, but we will get to church and on time!"  Kids started showering and getting ready as I first fed then did Sofis "Tubie" feeding. Time marched on but I knew we could do it. Sofi finished, I cleaned out the tubing, put water in it for her fluid hour at church, then got the princess ready. She was so cute in her denim dress, white tights with black hearts and black boots. Did her hair, put in a bow, then looked at the clock. I had 30 minutes before church started. Did I tell you we try to get there 20 minutes before so my husband can do his ushering calling and we can get seats? Yeah, enter stress. I took the fastest shower ever, picked out an outfit, and as I was putting makeup on as fast as humanly possible so I didn't scare anyone, one of my lovely boys told me to hurry up we had to go. I told him as nicely as I could that if I didn't put some makeup on my face I would scare everyone and they would leave church.  I hurried faster, put my shoes on as I ran out and off we went with four minutes to spare. By the time we walked in, church had just started. We made a commotion, what with the bright green wheelchair and big stroller and all, and then getting everyone situated. Finally, we took a breath and prepared to be spiritually fed. Once again I was feeling pretty good about myself. I hooked Sofi up to get her water over the hour long sacrament meeting and sat back and rocked her while listening. And then.....Tubie unhooked and I felt liquid on my skirt. Yeah.... Formula started pouring out of Tubie. Whispers of "clamp it.... Hurry up...it's everywhere" could be heard. I realized then that I do not have it together. And then I gave myself some grace. I was where I needed desperately to be. My children were where they needed to be. My baby is getting healthier every day (even if I get messier)  and I got to hear my son receive a beautiful setting apart in the third hour for his new calling. 

Today was great. As I reflect I realize just how beautifully messy life is. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

A True Disciple

Dear Life,



Church was amazing today.

Ah-maze-ing


The topic was "Becoming a True Disciple of Christ".  Elder 

Daniel L. Johnson spoke about this topic in the October 2012 

Conference.  

You can read it HERE.



Talk after talk spoke to me in different ways. 

I thought about Sofi.  

About our reasoning for adopting...and not only adopting but

 adopting a special needs child.

Because we all know that having five boys and one with Spina 

Bifida can be challenging.

I am definitely busy.

We already have a lot of obstacles and trials.


But on the flip side of that, we have witnessed miracles.  

We have been on the receiving end of so many wonderful 

blessings.

We went through the most difficult trial so far last year with 

Kumaka.

After a bilateral hip surgery, two leg breaks, and a repair of 

one side of the hip, Kumaka was in a cast longer than he was 

out of one.

We saw more time in a hospital last year than any other part 

of his life.

And through it all, he smiled.

He endured.

And although I personally thought it was the longest six 

weeks of my life to have him in a body cast,

In retrospect...that time was fleeting.

But the lessons learned are still burning in my heart.

Towards the end of last year, Stuart and I were talking and 

asking ourselves "what can we do to give back...after having 

received so much?"

Many people helped us last year, many people reached out to 

our family...whether it was a meal, a playdate, or a prayer, we 

were enveloped in love.

And we knew that somehow, we needed to give back.

We prayed.

We searched.

We realized the most perfect way we could serve the Lord, 

and be as Christlike as we knew how to be would be to adopt.

Although we are sometimes stretched thin, we know how to

 care for a child with Spina Bifida.  

And once we saw Sofi's sweet face, we knew we could never

 turn our back on her. 

A child with no hope, no family, no love. 

God has never once turned His back on us.

Now is not the time to turn our backs on His children.



"Becoming as the Savior is not an easy task, especially in the

 world in which we live. We face obstacles and adversity 

virtually every day of our lives. There is a reason for this,

 and it is one of the primary purposes ofmortality. As we 

read in Abraham 3:25, “And we will prove them herewith,to

 see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God 

shall command them.”  Elder Daniel L. Johnson



I also thought about my boys.

I thought about the many ways I could be a better 

mother...and a better wife.

I thought about the gift of repentance.  

And as one speaker said so wonderfully "repentance means 

repeating...doing it again but better"

Because of the sacrifice of our Savior, we have the 

opportunity to have a do-over.

What a gift.

Because I don't know about you, but I mess up.

A lot.

Love.

That is what being Christlike means to me.

It's what has always been important to me.

It's what I am always striving for.

I am in no way perfect.

I am continually having to repent...asking God for a do-over.

Boy am I glad to have that opportunity to talk to Him, and to

 turn to Him with a humble heart, and ask for forgiveness, 

and try again.



"I testify that as we obey His commandments, serve others,

 and submit ourwill to His will, we will, indeed, become His

 true disciples." Elder Daniel L. Johnson