Tuesday, August 18, 2015

LOVE changes everything

Dear Life,

I am joining a new challenge from Finding The Grace Within.  Karen hosts Tuesday at Ten.  She puts up a quote and challenges you to use it in your writing.  You have six days to do so and then share on her page.  I am challenging myself to write more, and this motivates me to write weekly!  So....here goes.  This week the challenge is {the words I live by and what that means to me}.  

Something was missing. There was a gaping hole where my heart was supposed to be beating.How was I breathing?How did I wake up every day?Every morning things looked gray, unappealing, and just plain sad. I felt alone.Eventually I just started pretending.Laughing while I was quietly shriveling up inside.Then, one night, in a city 45 minutes from my own, in a group of friends, I met a man who would change my. whole. life.He was of course incredible sexy.He had sparkling, happy eyes and a beautiful, amazing smile.And... I thought he was crazy. He asked my best friend if he and his friends could dance with us.  She said yes.I told her she was nuts.And then we all danced.It was fun.
We exchanged numbers. We became friends.And then even better friends.We called each other all the time.We hung out.I started to like him a little. Then there was a bet.He wasn't allowed to call a certain girl who was RUDE to him.I wasn't allowed to call a guy who hung out with me only because he was on the rebound.Whoever called the person first had to pay for Disneyland tickets for the day.Guess who lost?Not me.  He lost.He bought my Disneyland ticket.He bought me a pretzel and a drink.
He bought be a balloon. 
And my. heart. started. beating. again. He loved me.He really cared about me.First as a friend.He called me.He listened to me.He sent me flowers.Then, he loved me more.He put aside his own personal fears about relationships and became my boyfriend.Someone LOVED me.Weird.He was incredibly kind, incredibly giving, and incredibly loving.I wasn't used to that.I felt my whole body tingle.I was ALIVE.All because of love.His love gave me strength, courage, and hope.And then together we discovered God's love for us.Especially when He blessed us with a baby boy.Because of this man I loved, I was taught the gospel.And I learned about eternal families.I learned about eternal love.No longer alone, no longer sad, I was so happy to learn about this principle of the gospel.I didn't need to fear marriage.I didn't need to fear love.For me, that was huge.Because of the love this man has given me for 22 years now, I have been given many gifts.5 amazing boys, and 1 beautiful girl.The knowledge of the gospel, and the light of Christ's love and sacrifice for me.A man who stands next to me, behind me, in front of me; who holds me when I am broken, lifts me up when I am sad, celebrates my accomplishments, and teaches me every. single. day. how much more he loves me.I am alive because of love.  I share love because it is a gift.  Love changes everything.  I was broken.  And now I am whole.

Friday, August 14, 2015


Dear Life,

I used to LOVE writing the Five Minute Friday Challenge.   It's been quite awhile since I've taken five minutes for anything....so I'm starting again TODAY! Kate's word prompt this week is 



This month I've had to learn to let go...

I took one of my son's to Hawaii to start his own adventure in life....
His adventure in college....
We spent an amazing week together....
During that week I saw him starting to stretch and grow.....
And when I left him (with tears coursing down my face)....
I knew it was my time to learn to let him go.....
It's his turn to learn....
To stretch....
To dream...
To get hurt...
To pick himself up and dust himself off...
To become a man.
I am learning to be a mom of a young man who is making his own choices, making his own memories, making his own path.
I am learning that letting go hurts like heck.
But I am also learning that it is the best thing for him.
I am so proud of my young man. 
He's an amazing kid.
I can't wait to see what he learns.
While I learn to be patient and watch.


If you want to read more about Five Minute Friday go HERE

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Because He Lives....there is love!

Dear Life,

As I contemplate my life, and my relationship with Christ during this Easter season, I want to share my story, my journey to Christ.  During high school, when a lot of teens are struggling to find out who they are and where they belong, I was part of the group that knew a lot of people but didn't really fit in any group.  I felt ugly, unpopular, and unloved. I started to feel depressed and completely alone.  I was hurting so much inside.  I felt like no one understood, that I was a burden on those around me.  I found myself literally thinking of ways to leave this earth.  I felt like everyone around me would be better off if I was gone. Unfortunately, one day, when I was feeling extremely low, I took handfuls of my medication.  Then I went for a walk.  I truly wanted to die, but when I started feeling really sick, I called my friends and they took me to the hospital.  I was put in the psych ward for teens battling suicide, and drug and alcohol abuse.  I felt sick and angry.  I wouldn't see my mother.  My friends didn't want to come see me because I was "the crazy one".  I spent two weeks going to group sessions, one on one therapy meetings with psychologists, and hating every moment.  I did not feel any more loved.  And when I went to school, it was worse.  Everyone knew what I had done and while some kids were kind, others were not.  My senior year, I tried suicide again and was not successful.  And one of my good friends fathers told me in no certain terms that I needed to stop being so selfish, that I needed to see how many people love ME and how it would devastate them all if I were to succeed.  Somehow, I managed to graduate high school, I moved out of my mom's house and moved out on my own.  

The next three years, I worked full time and spent time going out with my friends.  Looking back, I realize that I was still punishing myself.  I was taking risks, not taking care of myself, passively hurting myself.  I told myself I was having fun, but inside, I was still hurting.

When I was 21, I met an amazing man.  He was funny, he was a good friend.  He listened to me.  He held my hand.  He cared.  He loved me.  He became my very very best friend.  One day I asked him if he went to church.  He said he was a Mormon, but wasn't currently going to church.  I told him I knew that I wanted to belong to a church, just wasn't sure which one.  He took out the Book of Mormon, and read the Joseph Smith story to me.  Hearing that story made me curious, and I wanted to know more.  Two weeks later the Sister Missionaries were going from house to house and landed on our door step.  Stuart and I took the discussions together.  

We got married that year, and then one week later I got baptized.  That was twenty years ago.  I remember when I was first baptized sitting in sacrament one day, and tears just came out of my eyes as I realized that all those times I thought I was alone, He was really there with me.  Although I didn't grow up with a father in my home, I had a Father in Heaven that was always there and loved me and protected me.  That He got me through those difficult times.  

Now, as I look at the last twenty years, my sweet husband, my amazing children, I thank God so much for giving his only Son......for Because He Lives.....we will all live again.

My son who can't walk right now will walk one day; he will be whole.  

My daughter who doesn't talk will one day run and jump and play and talk my ear off.  

Because He Lives, there is love.  My heart is so full and I am so thankful.