What would I say

Dear Life,

What would I say to the person that destroyed who my son used to be with one small act of violence?
Did you think about what you were doing that day 4 1/2 years ago?
How did you choose my son?
Why?
As you live your life, possibly still hurting others, my son still daily faces trauma because of you.
You are the reason he feels worthless.
You are the reason he feels like he is undeserving.
You are the reason 4 years of his life are gone. 
You are the reason he struggles every day to go to school,
To play basketball, to do anything every other kid can just do. 
You are the reason he doesn't believe in himself. 
  
I hate you. 

What would I say to my son?
You are a warrior. 
You are fighting a battle that seems unwinnable. 
Every day you conquer it a little more. 
You may think that you will never get better. 
To that I say look at you a year ago. 
Two years ago. 
You are struggling right now but you will get through it. 
Although I wish I could make it all go away, I can't. 
Instead I will stand by you, hold your hand, lift you up, wipe your tears. 
You are so much better than that person that hurt you. 
Your life matters. 
You are worth the battle. 

I love you. 

A Glimpse

Dear Life,

Kalani and I worked together to create a video that shorts a very small amount of what he has felt and been through in the past year.  He wants to be able to show other teens dealing with mental health issues, that their lives are worth getting help.  He is such a huge example to me!  He is not afraid to share his journey in the hopes of helping others.

Last year, Kalani was unable to go to basketball, unable to practice with his team, unable to even watch their games.  He was unable to go to school or leave the house.  He was trapped in fear, and anxiety and depression took a toll.  He gained over 30 pounds in three short meals, he wasn't sleeping and he was not acting like the same kid I was used to.  He was either angry or sad.  Every night he turned into a very angry person who couldn't be around anyone.  He couldn't sleep in his room, he slept in mine.  He started hearing voices, and seeing people that didn't exist.  He thought he was crazy and thought he had to go to the hospital.

As a family, we were determined to help him while he stayed at home.  We got him into a special outpatient program through the county, and he was assigned to a psychiatrist and therapist.  It took many many weeks for Kalani to trust his therapists.  He was given medication to help with the depression, anxiety, and voices he was hearing.  It was a very scary few months, and honestly, we never expected him to play basketball again.  We were so sad that our boy had to fight so hard to just live, and often times the voices told him to quit. He got so tired.

He had a major breakthrough three months ago.  He was able to talk about something that has plagued him for years.  He is still working through this, but he was able to complete a semester of school, a session of summer school, and summer basketball.  We are so proud of him and all of his hard work.  He still has work to do, but he's in a completely different place than he was last year.

He created this short video to show a little of what he has been through. Thank you for everyone who supports our family, for those that have been kind and supportive to our boy, and to those that share his journey in hopes of helping others.  #ItTakesATeam

The Marathon

Tears.

For months on end I cried every single day.  I fell asleep with tears on my face as I prayed and prayed for my son.

I dreaded waking up.

Our family was living a nightmare.

One of our children was living in a nightmare.

He was not sleeping, unable to go to school, even unable to play basketball.

He was paralyzed.

By fear. Anxiety. Depression. Voices. Only he could hear them. But they were horrible.

You're not good enough. You don't deserve anything. Quit. Die. Just STOP.

He withdrew from life.

He wasn't the same.

We didn't know how to get him back.

Dark.

Scary.

Sad.

Lost.

We did the only thing we knew how to do.

Love him.

We loved him every day, even when he pushed us away.

We fought for him, even when he gave up on himself.

And we found a team. A group of people in various positions, a high school coach, a school psychologist, a teacher, a therapist in a county program, and we all loved him.

No one gave up.

Even when he pushed us all away.

It took a full school year to find my boy.

He has some serious work left to do.

He has some deep scars from the battle.

But he also knows that he has people on his side; people he can trust.

People that care.

We smile more now.

We watch him play basketball again.

We see him find success at school.

We give our thanks to a Father in Heaven who heard our cries, and I'm sure He wept when we wept.

And then he helped put these amazing people in place to help him.

To guide him.

To find my boy in the broken shell he had become.

I think back at the last year and I wonder how we survived.

I remember not too long ago I was so weary I just wanted to lay down to sleep and not do it anymore.

But we kept pressing on. I know now that God was lifting us up, pushing us forward, putting angels on earth in place, so that our boy would make it.  

He still has many many things to work on.  But he will be ok.  As the coach says, it's a marathon.  A long, tough, steep marathon.  But a marathon worth running.  We see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And it's oh so very bright.

#ItTakesATeam

Why?

Dear Life,

Why do I go to church on Sunday? Why is sacrament meeting, sunday school, and Relief Society so important? Isn't there something I could be doing more important?

I go to church because I am a follower of Christ, and I am trying to do everything I can to be like him.  I attend three meetings that are one hour each for the same reason.  And today I was given a huge confirmation that there is NOTHING more important than those three hours on Sunday.

Our stake president challenged us to make Sacrament Meeting a personal uplifting and spiritual experience by going to church earlier, focus upon reverence and worship instead of conducting business and visiting.   As we arrived and sat down, I literally felt the spirit so strong just sitting there.  Everyone was quiet, the organist was playing hymns, and I was able to really reflect on the Jesus Christ, and what sacrament means.  I felt so peaceful, and really took in all of the moments during that hour.  It was amazing.

The lesson in Relief Society was about Adversity.  The lesson was from the Teachings of Howard. W. Hunter.  You can read the lesson here.  It's a really good lesson.  When I think about adversity, I think "I'm cool, I don't need any thing else to worry about".  Unfortunately, that is not how things work.

"We see many joys and sorrows in the world, many changed plans and new directions, many blessings that do not always look or feel like blessings, and much that humbles us and improves our patience and faith.  We have all had those experiences from time to time, and I suppose we always will..." 

I was really moved by the lesson.  The last few months has been really a daily struggle with the beast of adversity.  Dealing with Kalani's mental health issues is hard hard work...daily.  He's learning a new normal, and we are learning how to support him and guide him even when he has hard days.  Today was a hard day.  Mondays aren't easy.  For ANYONE!  But for people who deal day in and day out with anxiety and depression it's the beginning of the week of expectations.  You are expected to go to school, practice, work, etc.  Except thinking about everything you are supposed to do puts you in a tailspin.  And you don't understand WHY it's still hard.  WHY you're not better yet.  WHY you have to fight every day.  Mondays are typically the days my boy is mad.  And wants to give up.  Which means I have to fight harder for him.  And sometimes that means against him.  Because he can't sit at home, he HAS to get out and live life.  So....today was one of THOSE days.  And I got mad too.  Not at Kalani, just at having to fight.  At adversity.  It really is not very fun at all! 

Then I thought of the lesson yesterday.  I felt a degree of comfort and the anger dissipated a little. 

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.  If not so, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness, nor misery, neither good nor bad".  (2 Nephi 2:11)

Then I received a letter from my missionary.  He had his ups and downs last week for sure.  And instead of me comforting him, he gave me advice.  His wisdom in his 18 years is amazing.  He sent me this picture.  

In the last two days I have been bombarded with this lesson. Ok God,  I get it.  Adversity is necessary.  And I can choose to be mad, sad, or whatever, or I can learn from it and move forward.  Move forward I will.  And so will my boy.  We will overcome this challenge.  

I need these lessons, I need to be fortified so that when my day goes south, I can pull up my pants and move forward.  I love this gospel.  I love Jesus Christ, and I know that through His sacrifice my son's mind will be whole again. 

Speak Now

Dear Life,

I am so blessed to be involved in a wonderful organization called Speak Now.

I've mentioned it before but I'm not sure that I have explained my personal passion with young women empowerment.  

Growing up is hard.  The media and crazy celebrity "role models" don't make growing up easier.  In fact they make it harder.  Which means the young women now have it EVEN HARDER than I did growing up.  

What was it like growing up for me?  I wasn't the popular girl, I wasn't the trendy girl, I had friends in many types of groups, but I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere.  I felt like I was an outsider in every group.  At home, things were explosive, (now being a mom of teenagers....I get it a little more....and I must call my mom and apologize!) and I didn't feel loved or needed.  I didn't party or do drugs, I didn't sleep around (I must say that even my virginity made me feel like an outcast).  My grades started to suffer and I became very depressed.  Things were not good....they were not good for a long while.  I had a couple of boyfriends...but that didn't help. I was still alone.

I had to learn to be strong for ME, to love ME, to discover ME.  I became self reliant, and didn't expect anything from anyone.  As I started on this process, I met a man who became first my best friend, then my boyfriend, and then my husband.  I am so grateful to him, for because of him I found God.  

With Him, I was able to create the woman I should be.  A woman not afraid to learn, not afraid to change her way of life, not afraid to BELIEVE.  Believe in herself, in her God, in her family, and in LIFE.  I allowed myself to love, to live, and to be happy.  

Isn't he cute? I love him even more than I did that day!

Does that mean things were easy?  That my prince charming came and all the bad horrible things went away?  My prince charming did come....I am blessed.  But I have had my fair share of life lessons, challenges, and just plain old HARD HARD things to work out.  But over the years I have learned to have faith; faith in God, faith in Love, faith in Family, and faith that things always work out one way or another.  And it's okay if things are hard....because I can do hard things.

 

I am so blessed to be able to use my words to maybe, just maybe, affect the heart of a hurting young woman.  And I thank God for that opportunity.  I am the head of the Create Team for Speak Now.  Tomorrow is my first post on the blog.  I would feel very honored to have you read it.  But I challenge you to read more than mine.  The other fabulous women and young ladies on the teams are amazing...and their words will change you.  They have changed mine.  

Who am I?

Dear Life,

During my young years I struggled.
A lot.
I questioned God.
Did He exist?
I felt unloved as a child/teen.

I am the product of very young parents.  My dad was 17 and my mom barely turned 18 when she had me.
My dad had an alcohol problem.  That turned into a drug problem. He couldn't be there for me, he couldn't even get himself together.
After my parent's divorced when I was one, I didn't see my dad regularly.
Over the years my mother remarried, twice.
I never connected enough with my step fathers.
Alcohol has always been prevalent in my family.
Drugs have also been prevalent in my family.
I suffered from not having good examples to look up to in my immediate family.
I also didn't have a strong relationship with my mother; she has always worked hard to provide for her children but is not a warm and fuzzy person.
My self esteem suffered.
Was I not good enough?
What did I do to deserve this?
Am I a bad person?

By the time I graduated high school, my life was out of control.
I left my mom's house the summer I graduated.
I didn't complete my classes at the local community college.
I had a dead end job.
I had dead end boyfriends.
My life was turning into a dead end.
Dead.
Multiple times from my junior year in high school to age 20 I was in a depression.
I will admit to wanting to end the dead end.
It's scary to be that low.
To not have hope.
To not have faith.
Thankfully I was blessed with a few really amazing friends.
Friends who supported me at my lowest.
Friends who told me to pull my head out of my rear.
And then I met HIM.

He was my best friend almost immediately.
We talked constantly.
(We lived an hour away from each other....so we had to talk a lot)
I went to his house on the weekends.
We fell in love.
We had a baby.

We got married.

In that order.  But that was good. Because of Keoni, I asked Stuart about his church.  I wanted to raise my child in a church.  That was so important to me.  I knew that without having Keoni, I never would have asked about church.  Stuart was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints  He wasn't actively going to church at that time. As  I learned about the beliefs, the standards and the beginnings of the church, Stuart relearned. I knew early on that this church is true and Stuart renewed his faith.
I had a testimony of the gospel.  I finally knew that God existed, and that He had a plan for me. ME.  There was a plan.  I was supposed to go through all of the hard stuff.  It made me who I was.  I found comfort in the gospel.  I found peace.  And one day as I was sitting in the chapel I came to an important realization.  I was NEVER alone.  God was always with me. Even at my lowest, He knew and He was there. He brought people into my life to help me get through it.  People that are still very important to me. And when my life could have spiraled into nothingness, he gave me the best gift of all.
A wonderful man, who loves me unconditionally.  A man who supports me in all that I do.   A man who is an amazingly patient father and husband.  He is a wonderful example.
And then He entrusted me with five of his special spirits.
Sometimes I doubt myself.
Okay...I doubt myself a lot.
But I know I'm not alone.
I will never be alone.
I am a daughter of God.