The other women in my life

Dear Life,


As I was thinking about the women that shaped my life for my Mother's Day post (read here), I was thinking about a few other women that have shaped me as well.  
I think the list could be quite extensive, and just in case I forget someone, I am not going to rattle off names.  I can tell you that as early as Jr. High, there were people who have changed me.

Friends that have remained friends for over twenty years. 

Friends that have had enough guts to tell me when I was wrong; friends to love me when my heart was breaking; friends who giggled with me when I was silly; friends who have been joyous with me during triumph and friends that have prayed, cried, and hugged me as I've learned to be a different kind of mom these past few years. 
Friends who have taught me to dream...to believe...to live bigger, better and happier. 

What about my sisters? 

 Sisters who deal with me even when I'm cranky and bossy (hey..it comes with the territory...I'm the oldest after all). 

 Sisters that are there for the good, bad and ugly.  Sisters know it all...and could really make your life crazy if they wanted to!


New friends who have taught me things I didn't know before...pioneer friends. 
Friends who battle things, who show strength, who teach compassion, who teach joy in all things, who give of themselves when they are struggling.  


The love in a woman's heart; the strength in a woman's hand; the knowledge in a woman's brain; the compassion in a woman's core is how we all get through life with joy.  

I am so grateful for all of you who have touched my life, my heart, my soul.  I thank you.  I love you.

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Yesterday brought the beginning, tomorrow brings the end, and somewhere in the middle we became the best of friends.  ~Author Unknown

Are we not like two volumes of one book?  ~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

Friends are relatives you make for yourself.  ~Eustache Deschamps

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

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Geneology

Dear Life,


I haven't personally done my family's Genealogy, only because it's slightly overwhelming.  Although I don't even know where I come from, I do know that there is a really cool famous athlete in my family.

Wondering who this baseball player is?  His name is Ralph "Socks" Seybold.  He played FOr the Cincinnati Reds and the Philadelphia Athletics.  Socks Seybold set career highs in home runs, with 16 and runs batted in with 97.  The home run total led the league and stood as the American League record until Babe Ruth broke it in 1919. Socks is my Great Uncle.  Pretty cool, right?  What's in your family tree???

Welcome to Holland...and beyond

Dear Life,


I was given this letter from a doctor when we found out about Kumaka's diagnosis in utero.





by Emily Perl Kingsley

©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. 

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.  It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

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"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy!  I'm supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan.  They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place.  It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever  go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Below is our family's travelogue...

I was told I wasn't going to Italy as I was flying. I didn't enjoy my flight after 

that,and  I dreaded the landing. I was scared, and I was angry that I didn't get 

to go where I wanted to go. I was envious of those that were happily getting off

the plane and jet-setting through Italy having the time of their lives. Once I

landed though, I looked around and realized I could find beauty in this place.

It was not glamorous by any means, but I quickly learned that who I was with 

was more important than  where I was. I learned the language and found all

the secret roads to get  around easier. I met amazing local people who guided 

me on my way and I met amazing people getting off the plane when I did. Our 

families have toured Holland together, and done many of the same things. 

When I get lost, I look for these dear friends to guide me back to where I 

belong. I found a strength in myself and my family in Holland that Italy 

never would have given us. I found beauty, grace, and knowledge. I found an

inner peace I didn't know existed and when I was afraid of the unknown in 

Holland, I found a stronger relationship with God. Italy still sounds like fun, 

but I have found resilience in Holland, and that is something I will always be 

grateful for. I have moments of longing for Italy, but I love that I am 

vacationing in a very special place that not every person is chosen for. I am 

grateful for Holland and I wouldn't change the plane's path. Don't be afraid of 

Holland....embrace it!


Tracy

Who am I?

Dear Life,

During my young years I struggled.
A lot.
I questioned God.
Did He exist?
I felt unloved as a child/teen.

I am the product of very young parents.  My dad was 17 and my mom barely turned 18 when she had me.
My dad had an alcohol problem.  That turned into a drug problem. He couldn't be there for me, he couldn't even get himself together.
After my parent's divorced when I was one, I didn't see my dad regularly.
Over the years my mother remarried, twice.
I never connected enough with my step fathers.
Alcohol has always been prevalent in my family.
Drugs have also been prevalent in my family.
I suffered from not having good examples to look up to in my immediate family.
I also didn't have a strong relationship with my mother; she has always worked hard to provide for her children but is not a warm and fuzzy person.
My self esteem suffered.
Was I not good enough?
What did I do to deserve this?
Am I a bad person?

By the time I graduated high school, my life was out of control.
I left my mom's house the summer I graduated.
I didn't complete my classes at the local community college.
I had a dead end job.
I had dead end boyfriends.
My life was turning into a dead end.
Dead.
Multiple times from my junior year in high school to age 20 I was in a depression.
I will admit to wanting to end the dead end.
It's scary to be that low.
To not have hope.
To not have faith.
Thankfully I was blessed with a few really amazing friends.
Friends who supported me at my lowest.
Friends who told me to pull my head out of my rear.
And then I met HIM.

He was my best friend almost immediately.
We talked constantly.
(We lived an hour away from each other....so we had to talk a lot)
I went to his house on the weekends.
We fell in love.
We had a baby.

We got married.

In that order.  But that was good. Because of Keoni, I asked Stuart about his church.  I wanted to raise my child in a church.  That was so important to me.  I knew that without having Keoni, I never would have asked about church.  Stuart was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints  He wasn't actively going to church at that time. As  I learned about the beliefs, the standards and the beginnings of the church, Stuart relearned. I knew early on that this church is true and Stuart renewed his faith.
I had a testimony of the gospel.  I finally knew that God existed, and that He had a plan for me. ME.  There was a plan.  I was supposed to go through all of the hard stuff.  It made me who I was.  I found comfort in the gospel.  I found peace.  And one day as I was sitting in the chapel I came to an important realization.  I was NEVER alone.  God was always with me. Even at my lowest, He knew and He was there. He brought people into my life to help me get through it.  People that are still very important to me. And when my life could have spiraled into nothingness, he gave me the best gift of all.
A wonderful man, who loves me unconditionally.  A man who supports me in all that I do.   A man who is an amazingly patient father and husband.  He is a wonderful example.
And then He entrusted me with five of his special spirits.
Sometimes I doubt myself.
Okay...I doubt myself a lot.
But I know I'm not alone.
I will never be alone.
I am a daughter of God.

The clock is ticking...

Dear life,


Have you ever wished you could turn back time?

Most of the time I realize the futility of that thought.  Except for recently.


I realized something that is ROCKING my WORLD right now.


My life is getting ready to change 

DRASTICALLY.

It will continue to change every year from here on out. 


In four short months this boy









will be moving out....to another state....on an island....6 hours from me. 

Oldest and youngest.....

I have come to terms with that the best that I can.  I will miss this funny boy terribly (even if he doesn't believe it...it's true).

But what has thrown me for a loop is that in three years this boy will leave me for college destination unknown.

And then in three years from that this boy will leave me.

And in two years from that this boy will leave.

And then I will have to face the fact that at some point this one will leave me.

I just remember when each boy was born and I would anticipate each new milestone. Eagerly awaiting a first smile, a first standing moment, a first time walking.  I've gone from checking off milestones happily to wishing I could hang on to the hands of the clock for dear life.....because those days are going away.  

These innocent days of summer fun are going to be one child less fun.  

It's a strange time.  It's not something you can ever prepare for.  It makes me wish I kissed them more when they were smaller....

wished I got out and played with them more often....

wished I yelled less and listened more.  

Of course I still have time....

But the clock is ticking.

The men in my life

Dear Life,


Have I introduced you to the men in my life?  It's about time I think.....


Let me preface this by saying how very blessed I feel having so many fabulous men in my life.  Growing up, I didn't have very many boyfriends, and I come from a family of girls.  (Two sisters and one girl cousin on my mom's side.)  So I am feeling very protected and loved by the amount of strong men around me.  I could live without the testosterone, wrestling and fighting that goes on.  The holes in the walls are not so awesome either. But at this point I am thinking God knew I probably wouldn't do too well with everything that goes along with a girl.  I would LOVE to have a girl to play with, dress up, and all of that.  But it's not to be....and I have come to terms with it.  But all of my friends with girls watch out...I am totally in the process of matching up my boys so I can pick my fabulous daughter in laws.  (Just kidding...sort of)


Anyway...back to my boys....


First and foremost...my sweetheart....

He's amazing, loving, sweet, giving, and a great father.  I thank God every single moment for Stuart.

And then there's this handsome kid.  Keoni.....my almost grown up...moving to Hawaii....Eagle Scout....future film maker.  He's an amazing kid....I'm happy to see him grow and get to see some really cool things in his life...but I'm sad he's leaving us.  It's hard to see your kids sprout their wings and fly away.

Here's Kekoa...my future lawyer.  This kid can talk his way out of a paper bag.  One time he got so mad at us he wrote out a letter pointing out every reason we were wrong.  Pretty hilarious.  He's a sweet guy and really cares about others.  He's also a budding surfer and knows how to be quite a dashing dresser.  Love his smile....it melts my heart!







Here is my Mr. Tenderheart Kalani.  He has been a total nurturing sweet boy from birth.  He's always the first to hold a baby, help with a toddler, and hang out with his little brother.  He's  quite the athlete....and has big dreams.  He loves basketball....wants to play for Duke University and of course he wants to be a Laker!  Isn't he dreamy?

Hilarious?  Yup...that's our Kawika.  He wants to be an actor, a hip hop dancer, and possibly a football player.  He's fierce...and sweet all rolled up in one little boy.  He gives us a run for our money....he's all boy and all play all the time.  His laugh is hilarious....makes you crack up!  

This is Kumaka.  Sunshine in  a boy.  He's more than we bargained for in many many ways, but we wouldn't trade any of it.  He's the reason our family knows there are miracles...and he shares his sweet spirit with anyone in a mile's radius.  And of course right now he's in a giant green cast.

I never would have guessed in a million years that this:

Would end up with this:

Blessed....yes....

Slightly crazy..... definitely!

Wouldn't change a thing....for sure!

Dear Blog of mine....

Dear Life,


Today this post is for you...my blog....


How did you come about?


I resisted you.
For years.
I swore I didn't have time.
I was intimidated by the infinite amount of fabulous bloggers out there.
But the secret is....in my heart I'm a writer.
I'm not a journal writer. 
I've tried that...not successful.
I've been writing Kumaka's journal for five years now.
That must have given me the courage to write for me.
It does take courage...
Sometimes I'm not sure I've succeeded...
But I keep writing.
There is so much to say...
So much to share.
And I have learned so very much.
Because of you I have met some FANTASTIC people. 
People who inspire me.
People who have prayed with me.
People who make me laugh.
People who make me think.
People I have never met and may never meet.
I love that.
You are just a new little blog.
In my dreams you will grow big and strong and make a difference.
My life....my blog....my dreams...my fears....all in black and white and sometimes color.
Thank you for this journey...it's pretty amazing!


Linking up here:

Living in Yellow

Back to the number

Dear Life,

I decided to start

I need to be able to handle SOMETHING in my life...why not that. I blogged awhile back about my weight. here.

It was an ugly number. Yesterday when I weighed in it was 299. At least it's less than my original number, right? I'm really tired of not feeling pretty, of not fitting in my clothes right, of looking in the mirror and being shocked at what I see.

I really like the new program. I REALLY REALLY like that there is an app for that. You heard me right...there is an app for Weight Watchers. AWESOME, right? Makes it soooo easy! This morning I didn't eat right away because I needed to figure out what to eat first. And that was okay. I need to take a step back and think before I shovel food in my mouth!

So I've decided on a sweet goal for myself. I have to tell you all I am a little jealous of you girls that can fit into Shabby Apple dresses. THEY ARE TO DIE FOR!!!!

Red Dress with Four Ruffles and Cap Sleeves

I want one.  Maybe two.  In any case I need to lower that number to get one.  And maybe just maybe my sweet husband will let me get one if I get low enough!

So....here goes....and I really want to thank my friend Georgina and my sister who have both lost weight on Weight Watchers....and have inspired me to take the plunge (again).

PS:  I've been featured for the first time by Sarah at Little Penelope Lane!  Check her out...she's adorable and SO talented!

I can do hard things

Dear Life,

This week was hard.  REALLY hard.

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I took the boy in the Giant Green Cast to the doctor by myself.  I did okay getting him in the car,  and getting him out of the car.
Was SHOCKED when the doctor told me that he would be out of school the rest of the school year.
Was also surprised to hear that Kumaka would be in a brace for a couple of months AFTER the cast.
A pretty prohibitive brace to keep his hips in the socket and not allow him to move too much.
That bummed me out.
A LOT.
And then as I pushed him through the office and parking lot among the stares, got the boy strapped into the car, and attempted to left up the VERY heavy adult wheelchair into my car, I was really struggling.  I started to cry (I know....lame right?) because the stupid chair was so heavy and the shock on the back door of my Suburban is broken, making the door shut right after I open it.

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 Then I wiped my eyes, and forced it to work.
But I was still really bummed.



I also have one boy challenging us in all things we've taught him.
It's hard to watch your kids grow up and have to learn things the hard way.
Free agency....we all have it. We don't always use it in the best way.
And it's now time for me to sit back and watch.
It's hard.


Then my very mellow child had a long night of little sleep.
He got up GRUMPY!
He was fussing about all kinds of stuff and made himself late for school.
He was crying and didn't want to go to school like that.
I had an appointment and needed to get me and little ready so I had limited patience.
I attempted to drop him off at the front of the school.
He wouldn't get out.
So I walked around the car, picked up his backpack and handed it to him.
He threw it back in the car.
I picked it back up and put it on the side walk.
I took his hand and pulled him out of the car.
I got back in my car and drove away.
I called the school office, explained the situation (he already had gone to the office) and asked that they let him sit down until he settled down.
AWESOME.
(He did come home and apologize later and I told him sorry for dumping him and taking off)

The next day another one of my children decided to go on the "You don't listen to me, you don't care about me, nothing is good enough for you rant."
Double AWESOME.

Enter mommy guilt.

I am on my knees a lot right now.
And I'm trying really hard to talk less and listen more.
To everyone.

A little piece of me is being stubborn and saying "no one is listening to ME! and I'm the MOM!"
But right now is not the time for that.

As I carried Kumaka one day, with his arms around my neck and me holding on to each leg, I looked at him and the words "I can do hard things" came to my mind.  I CAN do hard things. I AM doing hard things.  Mostly because I have no choice.  I haven't cried this much in a long time.  Hopefully next week I can do hard things without crying.

Praying this week is better.
Praying for patience.
Praying for peace.
Praying for knowledge.
Praying.

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