Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Who am I?

Dear Life,

During my young years I struggled.
A lot.
I questioned God.
Did He exist?
I felt unloved as a child/teen.

I am the product of very young parents.  My dad was 17 and my mom barely turned 18 when she had me.
My dad had an alcohol problem.  That turned into a drug problem. He couldn't be there for me, he couldn't even get himself together.
After my parent's divorced when I was one, I didn't see my dad regularly.
Over the years my mother remarried, twice.
I never connected enough with my step fathers.
Alcohol has always been prevalent in my family.
Drugs have also been prevalent in my family.
I suffered from not having good examples to look up to in my immediate family.
I also didn't have a strong relationship with my mother; she has always worked hard to provide for her children but is not a warm and fuzzy person.
My self esteem suffered.
Was I not good enough?
What did I do to deserve this?
Am I a bad person?
By the time I graduated high school, my life was out of control.
I left my mom's house the summer I graduated.
I didn't complete my classes at the local community college.
I had a dead end job.
I had dead end boyfriends.
My life was turning into a dead end.
Multiple times from my junior year in high school to age 20 I was in a depression.
I will admit to wanting to end the dead end.
It's scary to be that low.
To not have hope.
To not have faith.
Thankfully I was blessed with a few really amazing friends.
Friends who supported me at my lowest.
Friends who told me to pull my head out of my rear.
And then I met HIM.

He was my best friend almost immediately.
We talked constantly.
(We lived an hour away from each other....so we had to talk a lot)
I went to his house on the weekends.
We fell in love.
We had a baby.

We got married.
In that order.  But that was good. Because of Keoni, I asked Stuart about his church.  I wanted to raise my child in a church.  That was so important to me.  I knew that without having Keoni, I never would have asked about church.  Stuart was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints  He wasn't actively going to church at that time. As  I learned about the beliefs, the standards and the beginnings of the church, Stuart relearned. I knew early on that this church is true and Stuart renewed his faith.
I had a testimony of the gospel.  I finally knew that God existed, and that He had a plan for me. ME.  There was a plan.  I was supposed to go through all of the hard stuff.  It made me who I was.  I found comfort in the gospel.  I found peace.  And one day as I was sitting in the chapel I came to an important realization.  I was NEVER alone.  God was always with me. Even at my lowest, He knew and He was there. He brought people into my life to help me get through it.  People that are still very important to me. And when my life could have spiraled into nothingness, he gave me the best gift of all.
A wonderful man, who loves me unconditionally.  A man who supports me in all that I do.   A man who is an amazingly patient father and husband.  He is a wonderful example.
And then He entrusted me with five of his special spirits.
Sometimes I doubt myself.
Okay...I doubt myself a lot.
But I know I'm not alone.
I will never be alone.
I am a daughter of God.


  1. Tracy this is beautiful! I can relate to this from my own childhood and the life I had when I had my first 3 kids at such a young age. It was finding God, or rightly... God finding me at His time that changed my life. I was going down a dead end and had no hope, depressed, wanting to end an abusive relationship but no idea how to leave. If it was not for God who had a plan for me all along to rescue me at that time, I don't think I would be here today.

    Thank you for sharing this. Thank God for your husband and for Keoni leading you in the direction you needed to go. If it wasn't for my oldest that I had when I just turned 16, I had a spiral out of control life at my fingertips, thank God I was saved from that.


    1. Wow Salena, thank you for sharing that. It means so much to me to hear a glimpse of your story. Trials make us strong....whether we are ready or not. I truly believe we are supposed to share it though...to help us remember and maybe just maybe to help someone else struggling. I love you my bloggy friend. Can't wait to meet you in June. :)

  2. Oh, I love your courage and strength and BEAUTY!! How beautiful you are inside and out! xoxo

    1. I love you my friend....you are one of those I speak of...you are one of my anchors now. I am so grateful God put you in my life. <3

  3. I love this post Tracey, you are so beautiful! I appreciate your honesty and willingness to bear your testimony. You and Stuart are just the cutest couple. I also have a testimony that there is a plan for each of us. Heavenly Father would not present us with those challenges if he didn't know that we could handle it and the things learned while in those dark moments are precious gifts he is giving us. Love you and your pager! lol and

    1. Summer..you're so sweet....and of course you would see the stupid pager....like I was SO important right?!!! Lame! Sign of the times. My kids are going to wonder what was in my pocket. HA!

      I always appreciate when you open up your heart and share the hard stuff....you amaze me!
      Any time you need someone to hold a kiddo at church find me! My boys love holding them too!

  4. You are amazing! Thank you for sharing so much of your personal story! You are one strong amazing person! Happy to have "met" you friend :)

    1. Awww Kristine...thank you! :) I love my bloggy friends....and I'm so happy to feel enough comfort to share scary things. LOL (hugs) my friend

  5. Wow, this was such an honest post, thank you so much for sharing. It is true that God is with us thru it all, isn't it? My father was an alcoholic, and my mom had to work so hard to get thru life. She left him so that I wouldn't have to grow up in that atmosphere. She has worked her butt of to support me and LIVED for me as I was growing up. I was a bit resentful of that when I was younger (oh how goofy we can be as children, right?), but I am glad for it now. God has brought a man into her life that is a devout Christian. He treats her better than she has ever been treated, he is a "shoulder" for me as I feel again like a Christian newbie and is giving love and support to my kids and my brother's kids that they would have likely never had from a "grandfather" figure. Wow, how there is a PLAN for everything. So, so awesome. Thank you for being so strong to tell your story. I admire and respect you!

    1. Jen, Thank you for sharing your story! Isn't it so amazing as we look back as grown ups to see God's hand in our lives...even in the hardest of times? I am so grateful for the amazing people I have met that have given me enough strength to share....because I know when I read other people's blogs and stories I feel touched. :) Thanks friend~

  6. I love your story. Thank you for posting. You warm my heart...as always.

    1. Angie girl...you've known me a long time. I love you and your happiness. It always makes me smile. I love your love story....and I appreciate the joy you share with others. I didn't even know you blogged....I'm adding you to my list! :)

  7. Such a beautiful honest post! All the hard times you went through and look at the beautiful family you have now!! :)

    1. Christine, thank you. I am so grateful for my family. I never thought in a million years that it would be me....but I am so thankful it is. :)

  8. Great story. Can relate to many things that were written!! Also a mom of all boys, 3 to be exact!!!! :)

    1. Thank you Alicia! Moms of boys are awesome! :)

  9. oh my gosh, I am bawling! This was beautiful Tracy, just like YOU!! Thank you for sharing your story. You are an amazing woman whom I look up to SO MUCH!!! XOXO

    1. I heart you too!!! My pioneer friend!!!

  10. This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. As a mom of 2 boys, I was at my low with my divorce. Their dad was also abusive and it was God who brought me through those tough times. It is encouraging to see you share your testimony so openly too. I have yet to share my story on my blog, but this is inspiring. :) Lots of love. Your boys are so lucky to have you for a mom. So lucky. xoxo

    1. Reannah, you are so sweet. I'm glad you were able to get out of your abusive relationship. I was very nervous to write this post...but the response has been so wonderful....I am so glad I found the courage to do it. :) Thank you again.... (hugs)

  11. Your story is inspiring. I am so happy that you have found love and faith and hope again! Thanks for bravely telling your story! Life is full of ups and downs (sometimes more downs than ups). We aren't alone! God walks with us and he gives us the situations, people that make us who we are. We are all broken to be made new and stronger by Him who Loves us beyond our comprehension!


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