The Marathon

Tears.

For months on end I cried every single day.  I fell asleep with tears on my face as I prayed and prayed for my son.

I dreaded waking up.

Our family was living a nightmare.

One of our children was living in a nightmare.

He was not sleeping, unable to go to school, even unable to play basketball.

He was paralyzed.

By fear. Anxiety. Depression. Voices. Only he could hear them. But they were horrible.

You're not good enough. You don't deserve anything. Quit. Die. Just STOP.

He withdrew from life.

He wasn't the same.

We didn't know how to get him back.

Dark.

Scary.

Sad.

Lost.

We did the only thing we knew how to do.

Love him.

We loved him every day, even when he pushed us away.

We fought for him, even when he gave up on himself.

And we found a team. A group of people in various positions, a high school coach, a school psychologist, a teacher, a therapist in a county program, and we all loved him.

No one gave up.

Even when he pushed us all away.

It took a full school year to find my boy.

He has some serious work left to do.

He has some deep scars from the battle.

But he also knows that he has people on his side; people he can trust.

People that care.

We smile more now.

We watch him play basketball again.

We see him find success at school.

We give our thanks to a Father in Heaven who heard our cries, and I'm sure He wept when we wept.

And then he helped put these amazing people in place to help him.

To guide him.

To find my boy in the broken shell he had become.

I think back at the last year and I wonder how we survived.

I remember not too long ago I was so weary I just wanted to lay down to sleep and not do it anymore.

But we kept pressing on. I know now that God was lifting us up, pushing us forward, putting angels on earth in place, so that our boy would make it.  

He still has many many things to work on.  But he will be ok.  As the coach says, it's a marathon.  A long, tough, steep marathon.  But a marathon worth running.  We see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And it's oh so very bright.

#ItTakesATeam

All We Need is LOVE

Dear Life,

As I read the headlines, I get increasingly sad.
Watching students get shot at schools, 
Seeing terrorist attacks all over the world,
Reading hateful comments people write about various topics,
I am SAD.

It seems that the world is getting increasingly more scary,
More hateful,
More mean,
EVERY SINGLE DAY.

It seems like people want to blame,
People want to judge,
People want to voice their opinion on everything.

We need action.
This WORLD needs action.

I'm not talking about more guns, more violence, more hate.
I'm talking about LOVE.
We need to love each other.
Love our families.
Love our friends.
Love our neighbors.



Teach our children to accept differences.
To value the act of kindness.
Teach them to treat everyone around them with LOVE.

As the young generation learns to love,
To be educated instead of judgemental,
They will become the generation that makes a difference in this world.

Love has to win.
Love has to be the answer.
There is not always a reason for a tragedy, there is not always blame to be placed.


Educate. Love. Kindness.  Be the light.

Grateful

Dear Life,

Grateful.

For many, many things.

Grateful for my family.
For the gospel.
For my son that made a tremendous sacrifice to serve God for two years in Kentucky, a state he has never been in.
For friends that are family.
For coaches that are more than coaches.
For teachers that are more than teachers.


Grateful  that Kumaka has so many mentors, amazing wheelie friends, and wonderful opportunities. 
Grateful that sweet Sofi is in our family, and has blossomed into such an amazing bright light.
Grateful that we are seeing amazing changes in our tall one.  

Grateful for bad circumstances that have turned into miraculous results.
Grateful for new days.
Grateful for health.

There are so many things for us to be grateful for.
Look around.
Look in your home.
Look in your heart.

Being grateful allows you to deal with almost anything.  

LROhana Magic

Dear Life,

What makes a FAMILY?
The traditional definition of family are parents who love, care for and provide for their children. 
This definition is important and essential.
But there is another version of family that I want to talk about today.
There is a family built from community.  
A community that came about because one young man was injured doing what he loved the most. 
Jesse Billauer was 17 years old and headed towards becoming a pro surfer when he hit a sand bar surfing.
He became paralyzed instantly and his life changed.
He decided that becoming a paraplegic wasn't going to stop him from continuing to enjoy life and that was how 
LIFE ROLLS ON began.
For the last four years, Kumaka has been blessed to participate in "They Will Surf Again" events in Huntington Beach and La Jolla California 
as well as tear it up at the Venice skate park at the "They Will Skate Again" events.  
Kumaka has learned so much from participating in these events.
He has become more independent, more willing to try things, knowing that he is ABLE to.



At the "They Will Skate Again" Event in Venice, California 2015 after landing his first rail attempt 










But he also has a very special relationship with Jesse and Sam and all of the volunteers that have helped him over the years.  






Jesse Billauer and Kumaka at "They Will Skate Again" 2015





This year his daddy couldn't come to the La Jolla event.
That was the first time his daddy couldn't be out surfing with him.
He literally cried for two days.
He didn't want to go.
He didn't want to surf.
I had to promise him that I wouldn't make him surf without his daddy.
The day came and all of Kumaka's friends were so excited to surf.
But he wasn't.  He was sad.

Sam Billauer, Jesse's beautiful and amazing wife talked to Kumaka a few times trying to change his mind.  (By the way....she is putting out fires all day to keep the whole day running smoothly....so the fact that she spent time on Kumaka to try to get him to surf shows how much she loves these kids)





Sam Billauer and Kumaka at "They Will Surf Again" La Jolla, California 2015

Later on, Cory, Kumaka's fearless Red Team captain, the man who has surfed with Kumaka every single time he's surfed took a few minutes to talk to him.  
He got him in the water to swim and then all of a sudden Kumaka was ready to surf. 


 Photo Cred: John Jefferson

Party Wave in La Jolla, California



Photo Cred: John Jefferson
Kumaka had the best time surfing with two of his friends.
Cory's son even surfed with Kumaka towards the end of the session.
After Kumaka was done, he told me how happy he was he surfed and wanted to go out again.  

Photo Cred: John Jefferson

The incredible Cory and Kumaka after surfing.

That is Life Rolls On Magic. 



These amazing people take their whole day out to help create magic.


This year, Kumaka's sister Sofi surfed for the first time. 
In Huntington Beach, our hometown, our sweet Bulgarian princess SURFED.
It was an amazing and beautiful experience.
When we watched that magical moment, we remembered where she came from.  
We remembered her first three years of life.

Three years in a crib. 
Never leaving it.
Looking at white walls.
No mommy or daddy to take care of her or love her.
No family.
She was free.....free 
from that past as she was held up by Cory.


He sat her in front of him on the surfboard because she can't lay on her stomach happily.
The minute he took off on a wave, she squealed with delight and her smile lit up the ocean.  

Photo Cred: Jerry Jaramillo

I'm sure God was looking down on that miracle moment and 
smiled.
She caught four waves that day.

Our little Bulgarian princess is now a mermaid. 

Photo Cred: Anthony Manliguez

From the orphanage in Bulgaria to the OCEAN in California.

That is Life Rolls On Magic.

That is LROhana 

{Ohana means Family in Hawaiian}

From the Jensen Ohana to the Billauer Family and all of the LRO volunteers and sponsors....thank you for an amazing year and thank you for making MAGIC.

Photo Cred: Anthony Manliguez

and a Bulgarian Princess

LOVE changes everything

Dear Life,

I am joining a new challenge from Finding The Grace Within.  Karen hosts Tuesday at Ten.  She puts up a quote and challenges you to use it in your writing.  You have six days to do so and then share on her page.  I am challenging myself to write more, and this motivates me to write weekly!  So....here goes.  This week the challenge is {the words I live by and what that means to me}.  

Something was missing. There was a gaping hole where my heart was supposed to be beating.How was I breathing?How did I wake up every day?Every morning things looked gray, unappealing, and just plain sad. I felt alone.Eventually I just started pretending.Laughing while I was quietly shriveling up inside.Then, one night, in a city 45 minutes from my own, in a group of friends, I met a man who would change my. whole. life.He was of course incredible sexy.He had sparkling, happy eyes and a beautiful, amazing smile.And... I thought he was crazy. He asked my best friend if he and his friends could dance with us.  She said yes.I told her she was nuts.And then we all danced.It was fun.
We exchanged numbers. We became friends.And then even better friends.We called each other all the time.We hung out.I started to like him a little. Then there was a bet.He wasn't allowed to call a certain girl who was RUDE to him.I wasn't allowed to call a guy who hung out with me only because he was on the rebound.Whoever called the person first had to pay for Disneyland tickets for the day.Guess who lost?Not me.  He lost.He bought my Disneyland ticket.He bought me a pretzel and a drink.
He bought be a balloon. 
And my. heart. started. beating. again. He loved me.He really cared about me.First as a friend.He called me.He listened to me.He sent me flowers.Then, he loved me more.He put aside his own personal fears about relationships and became my boyfriend.Someone LOVED me.Weird.He was incredibly kind, incredibly giving, and incredibly loving.I wasn't used to that.I felt my whole body tingle.I was ALIVE.All because of love.His love gave me strength, courage, and hope.And then together we discovered God's love for us.Especially when He blessed us with a baby boy.Because of this man I loved, I was taught the gospel.And I learned about eternal families.I learned about eternal love.No longer alone, no longer sad, I was so happy to learn about this principle of the gospel.I didn't need to fear marriage.I didn't need to fear love.For me, that was huge.Because of the love this man has given me for 22 years now, I have been given many gifts.5 amazing boys, and 1 beautiful girl.The knowledge of the gospel, and the light of Christ's love and sacrifice for me.A man who stands next to me, behind me, in front of me; who holds me when I am broken, lifts me up when I am sad, celebrates my accomplishments, and teaches me every. single. day. how much more he loves me.I am alive because of love.  I share love because it is a gift.  Love changes everything.  I was broken.  And now I am whole.

Spreading Sunshine

Dear Life,

How do you try to change the world?  
How do you spread sunshine?
How do you show kindness?

Because of a pair of shoes, a hand painted pair of shoes that Kumaka was given, we met a beautiful soul.  
Her name is Madison. 
We call her Peach. 

Photo cred by Susan Posterro

Our family has known her for a little over a year, but it really feels like we have been family forever. Madison is the president of a beautiful non profit called Peach's Neet Feet. 

"Madison's mission is to create a movement of Pay it Forward initiatives and selfless acts of giving.  She uses art to create custom, hand-painted shoes to celebrate children who are fighting cancer and living with disabilities." 


Through Madison, our family has grown; our outlook on life, on others, has changed.  We have new layers, new fibers to add to the ones that we weaved already.  We have met so many amazing families.  Families with varying backgrounds, dealing with different stories.  And yet we are all dealing with something in common- our warrior children.  These other stories are now woven into our hearts, and we are truly blessed for it.  Every day, we look for ways to touch others hearts, to sprinkle a bit of sunshine towards someone else, to show love, to share a Random Act of Kindness.   

Please,  take the time to visit the Peach's Neet Feet website. Read about this amazing young girl.  Read about the children she has helped, about the families that have been touched, lifted up because of her passion.  

Then think, what have you done to share kindness today?  

The tale of the mark of the warrior

Dear Life,

One day Kumaka asked about his scars.  He has quite a few.  At least 8, if not more.   And so, I told him the tale of the warrior.

Before you are born, you are a spirit.
You are taught many things.
Once you have learned all you are supposed to,
God meets with you, and he hand picks certain choice spirits.
He sees something special in these spirits.
A certain spark, a strength, a fortitude.
He asks them if they would consider being part of a very important group of people.
The people that will teach others.
But not because they are teachers, but because their personal challenges will teach others as well as themselves.
They will teach patience, love, empathy, service, strength, humility, hope and joy.
They will also be the cause of sadness, despair, anguish.
They will be the children who face medical issues.
They will face surgeries, hospital stays, illness, invasive treatments.
They will not be able to do what everyone else does.
Some will face radiation, chemotherapy, medications that make them sick.
Some will never walk, talk, see, hear, or eat by themselves.

Some will not live as long as others.
Some will be frail, weak, sickly.
But they will have the strength of warriors, even when their parents are spent.
They will have the courage of lions, protecting their pride.
They will smile, and the heavens will open up and shine down.
They will cry, and then smile the next moment.
They will wipe their mothers tears,  and make a joke to make their father smile.

These special spirits are sent down to do a mighty work.
And they know what they will be going through.
They know they will be facing challenges beyond comprehension.

This is when I told Kumaka that he was one of those spirits.
He knew what his journey would be like.
And he raised his hand, he chose that path.
Because he is special.
And all of those scars are the mark of the warrior.
They are reminders of his strength and courage.
They are our reminders too.

She has a story

 Dear Life,

When I met Sofi in that orphanage, and heard a small part of her story, I realized that this little girl was being saved for a reason.  Her story is just beginning, and yet, her story started at birth.  

Sofi was born to a young girl, 14 years of age.  She was born prematurely, and didn't breathe well right away.  She started having seizures that lasted for five days.  Finally, the doctors did surgery, and put a shunt in to relieve her hydrocephalus.   Sofi was five days old, and she had already fought hard to live.  And sadly, she went through all of that alone.  In a crib in the hospital, scared, barely alive, and alone.  There was no one there to make sure she was being cared for, no one to hold her little hand, no one to advocate for her, no one to hear her cries.  When she was finally stable, two weeks later, she was sent to a large orphanage.  It was there that she was left in a crib.  For two years.  She was only fed through a bottle.  Her body started to become stiff and rigid from not being taken out of the crib.  Not surprisingly, she never spoke, she never smiled, she barely existed.  That was her life for two years.  In December 2011, she was moved to the home she is at now.  There are only 7 children there, and they worked hard to change things for her.  Under their care, after many months,  she started to make a few sounds, and they taught her to eat mashed up food with a spoon. She started to smile.  

Early in 2012, Nina, our caseworker with Children's House International, first saw Sofi's file.  Below  is her part in Sofi's story.

"Before Sofi Rose became Sofi she was my Liliana.  Liliana was one of a group of children whose information I received in 2012 after I had visited Bulgaria.   Her foundation had heard my story of my love for my niece and nephew who were also born with neural tube defects.   They knew my eyes were open to the possibilities and potential these children had if they were loved and educated.  So, her foundation began requesting the profiles of children like Sofi that they knew I would fight to find families for.   Sofi's information was one page of medical information and a single photo.  Her orphanage was far from the capital and her information was grim.  She was a tiny girl who had not yet met any milestones.  Nobody visited her.   Nobody bothered to go see this small girl.  So with my one photo and my one page of information I decided this tiny girl deserved a fierce name.  In some cultures the weakest babies are given the names of saints as protection.   I decided to call Sofi Liliana as an alias.  Liliana Panitza was a heroine of great strength in Sofi's home country.  Liliana Panitza was instrumental on defying Hitler during WWII to save the lives of 50,000 Jews.  She was not in a position of great power.  She was just a girl inner strength an conviction.    What better name for Sofi,  who had nothing,  than to call her by the name of a woman who saved so many.  For over a year nobody inquired about Sofi.  I would speak to families about her and invariably the families would decline interest.  Until the day Tracy called.  I believe I sent her information on several girls.  Sofi's information was in the group. "

We received files of a few girls.  We scrolled  through the files,  looking for the pictures. Suddenly, we stopped, entranced by  this adorable baby, dressed in blue.  Her eyes were large, and so wonderfully brown.  Her eyes captured us, and there was no turning back.  

We started on this journey of adoption, having only read that one page of medical history, and seen one baby picture.

We prayed daily, praying for her health, for her to feel our love through the miles.  I would like to think that somehow, those prayers were answered.  When I traveled the many hours to meet Sofi, she was much different than I expected.  She was able to respond a little, she smiled a lot, and she had a few sounds.  The home she lives in is clean, bright, and decorated colorfully.  

It was while I was visiting her that I learned about Sofi's earlier years.  And I wept for her.  For the two year old that fought valiantly to live despite all of the odds stacked against her.  When I learned that she should have had medicals done yearly, but it appeared that those were never done, I realized that the other orphanage expected her to die.  

Almost like a physical blow, I felt so strongly that Sofi's story is huge.  That this amazing little girl has a huge story...and it's just starting.  That she survived the odds stacked against her because God held her in His hands, protected her, and then placed her in this home until we came along.  There is no other explanation.  

Sofi may never tell her story.  But we will.  We are so blessed to be able to do so.  And all because of you.  
We are so very close.  

She's almost home.  Her story is changing once again, but for the better.  She won't have to fight alone anymore.  She won't have to shed silent tears.  She will reach out and I will hold her hand. 

 She will laugh and we will laugh with her.  Her joy will be our joy.  Her joy will be your joy too.  

If you have wondered why we fight so hard to bring her here, why we continue to come up with all these crazy fundraisers, now you know.  She fought harder than we ever will, and she fought alone.  We are not alone, we have an army.  An army of wonderful, loving people.  An army to bring home a girl. 
You are in our army.

Lifted

Dear Life,

As I sit here writing this, I am truly humbled.
With tears in my eyes I feel lifted by God's hand.
Over the last week, ever since we received our dates to visit Sofi, I have felt enormous stress and pressure.
Couple that with extreme excitement and uncertainty and you can see why I have ended up sleepless every night.

First and foremost we are so very grateful and happy and excited to FINALLY meet our girl.
We are a little shocked that we are at this point...it almost seemed like it would never happen.
And then the fear set in...what if we don't raise enough money.
What if I get lost!!! (Never been in Europe....I'm a little nervous)
What if Sofi doesn't like me.
What if what if what if.
Uncertainty.
Keeps me up at night.

I prayed extra hard.
In words I pleaded to all of you...to anyone who reads my blog.
I talked to my friends.
I talked with my best friend, my sweetheart.
I got grounded.

And then I got happy mail today.
I got a beautiful hoop from Jaime (Baezamama on IG) that simply says Be Brave in the most beautiful sunshiney yellow tones. (This was from a hoop exchange hosted by Emmy from "It's Just Emmy" as an adoption fundraiser for her upcoming adoption).
Then I got four envelopes....all containing money.

And then I felt lifted.
I knew that even in my hard hours...when I'm crying and pleading....God hears me and knows me.

I'm going to share this picture of my little man Kumaka....

Do you see this boy? He's flying...having the time of his life.
He has these experiences because he has a family that loves him...friends that love him...and people that reach out to teach him.
Sofi does not have that.
She is waiting for us to give her a forever family.
More importantly, we need her.
She's already ingrained in our hearts.
I know she is supposed to come to our family.

Help our girl come home.  We are so very close.  You can read HERE to find out all the ways you can bring our girl home. 

Thank you. 


 

We said yes

Dear Life,

I recently came across this quote....and it took my breath away.

“When you say YES to adoption, you are

 saying YES to enter the suffering of the 

orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING

 FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you,

 their suffering is worse than yours. We say 

YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to 

the maddening process, YES to the money,

 YES to hope, YES to the screaming 

frustration of it all, YES to going the distance 

through every unforeseen discouragement 

and delay. Do not imagine that something 

outside of “your perfect plan” means you 

heard God wrong. There is NO perfect 

adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We 

Americans invented the “show me a sign” or

 “this is a sign” or “this must mean God is 

closing a door” or “God must not be in this 

because it is hard,” but all that is garbage. 

You know what’s hard? Being an orphan.

 They need us to be champions and heroes 

for them, fighting like hell to get them home.

 So we will. We may cry and rage and scream 

and wail in the process, but get them home

 we will.”

–Jen Hatmaker


As I sit in my home, with my boys and my husband I am
humbled.  As difficult as this process is for us....it is a walk in
the park compared to daily living for Sofi.  As bereft as I feel knowing that she doesn't know me at all....she doesn't know of our love...and our fight....that feeling is nothing compared to ....well the nothing that Sofi feels every. single. day.   She has nothing to hope for...nothing to smile for....nothing to talk for.  She is existing.  It is heartbreaking to think of that.  My gut is twisted....and my heart is broken.  For all that we have done so far...it's not enough.  Right now it doesn't even matter.  Because she is still waking up without someone to hold her, someone to sing to her, someone to kiss her.  These emotions I will hold on to....because they give me the strength and the fortitude to continue this fight.  They give me enough fire to never stop this fight.  Once Sofi is here.....there will be more to do.  Until there are no more orphanages....there will be more to do.  

Right now we are waiting.  Waiting for Sofi's government to finish appointing officials.  We are praying that the people they choose will have a soft heart for these children.  That their plights can be eased somehow.  We pray for Sofi's health...and the health of all of the children there.  We pray for strength....to endure til the end.  

My arms ache to hold my daughter....my heart is heavy knowing she is alone....but my faith is strong.  
Sofi will come home...and we can and will continue this fight.