The Marathon

Tears.

For months on end I cried every single day.  I fell asleep with tears on my face as I prayed and prayed for my son.

I dreaded waking up.

Our family was living a nightmare.

One of our children was living in a nightmare.

He was not sleeping, unable to go to school, even unable to play basketball.

He was paralyzed.

By fear. Anxiety. Depression. Voices. Only he could hear them. But they were horrible.

You're not good enough. You don't deserve anything. Quit. Die. Just STOP.

He withdrew from life.

He wasn't the same.

We didn't know how to get him back.

Dark.

Scary.

Sad.

Lost.

We did the only thing we knew how to do.

Love him.

We loved him every day, even when he pushed us away.

We fought for him, even when he gave up on himself.

And we found a team. A group of people in various positions, a high school coach, a school psychologist, a teacher, a therapist in a county program, and we all loved him.

No one gave up.

Even when he pushed us all away.

It took a full school year to find my boy.

He has some serious work left to do.

He has some deep scars from the battle.

But he also knows that he has people on his side; people he can trust.

People that care.

We smile more now.

We watch him play basketball again.

We see him find success at school.

We give our thanks to a Father in Heaven who heard our cries, and I'm sure He wept when we wept.

And then he helped put these amazing people in place to help him.

To guide him.

To find my boy in the broken shell he had become.

I think back at the last year and I wonder how we survived.

I remember not too long ago I was so weary I just wanted to lay down to sleep and not do it anymore.

But we kept pressing on. I know now that God was lifting us up, pushing us forward, putting angels on earth in place, so that our boy would make it.  

He still has many many things to work on.  But he will be ok.  As the coach says, it's a marathon.  A long, tough, steep marathon.  But a marathon worth running.  We see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And it's oh so very bright.

#ItTakesATeam

How did I get HERE?

Dear Life,

I am going to share a personal journey with you.

LIKE I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!

If you know me, or have seen a picture of me, you know that my weight has been a challenge for many, many years.

I feel like I have gained 20 pounds yearly!  I was afraid when I got pregnant with Kumaka that I would get to 300 pounds.  I got higher than that!

I topped off at 314 pounds!

WHAT? HOW? NOW WHAT!

I never had to worry about my weight until I had children.  At first the weight gain was a few pounds, and then 20 pounds, until I ballooned so high that walking was hard, sleeping was uncomfortable, and no clothes fit me.  I am going to be brutally honest here.....I stopped measuring myself for clothing sizes; opting for leggings and t shirts.  So the largest size I purchased was 26, but I really think I was a 28 but refusing to admit it.

Working out was impossible.
My bladder became affected.
My legs rubbed together.
I felt ugly.

I noticed that many times people wouldn't look at my face when I was talking to them.
I tried to pretend that I was proud of who I was regardless of my weight.
But last year, I had to be honest.
My health was being affected.
I was afraid of diabetes, heart issues, etc.
What was I teaching my children?

I reached out to my dear friend Liz.
She had been talking to be about Herbalife.
For awhile I said I couldn't afford it.
I finally knew, I couldn't afford to not do it.


The first thing I did was stop drinking soda.  
THAT WAS A HUGE ONE!
I had been drinking soda since I was 17 years old.
I started drinking only water.
After two weeks, I didn't miss it anymore.


To be continued....

Family

Dear Life,

I am so very very thankful that I have a family, that I am surrounded by family, that I have friends that are family.
I am so blessed to have five amazing boys and one beautiful princess to care for on this earth.
I am beyond blessed to have this man with a heart of gold, with the patience of Job, and the strength of a thousand men as my eternal companion.
He and I have been through many things in our almost 22 years of marriage.
Through all of it all, our children have stuck together through thick and thin.  
Through the example of my dear Jensen Ohana, my mother in law and father in law, my kids have learned that family is EVERYTHING.

When we sent our Kekoa off to serve a 2 year mission for our church, we knew he would learn and grow.
We didn't know he would be teaching us at home, and giving his brother wise advice from afar as he battles mental health struggles.
Every week, Kekoa has sent an email encouraging our tall one, teaching him, and believing in him.
This week, we received a letter that he is struggling.
And my tall one wrote a letter back to him, telling him that last week he wanted to give up, but that mom talked him through.  He told him they could get it through it together. 
As each of them struggle in very different ways, they grow closer to each other, and closer to God.

I am so thankful that I have these boys who are teaching me. 
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for the love of a Heavenly Father and our Savior.

Choosing to be thankful

Dear Life,

Today I went to a basketball game with my tall one. 
As I watched the game with him, my heart broke all over again because IT'S NOT FAIR.
He should be ON the court.  
He should be playing.
He should be enjoying his freshman year of high school. 
Instead, he is sidelined by this horrible illness....that may or may not get better.
He is on the outside, looking in.  
Watching, when I'm sure he's aching to run, jump and shoot that ball.
But he's afraid.

I watched his teammates play, wondering if they knew just how THANKFUL they should be. 
Thankful they COULD play.
Thankful they COULD go to school.
Thankful they weren't living a bad dream every day.
Thankful they weren't afraid.

Then I thought of my own children.
I wondered if I am teaching my children to be thankful for all that they CAN do.
The ability to go to school.
The ability to play sports, play with friends, BE KIDS.  
The ability to be happy.

Then I thought about me.
About how I get sad.
How I grieve all that my boy is losing. 
So I've decided I am going to teach myself.
Teach myself how to be thankful.
Thankful for these amazing, beautiful, different children.
Thankful for the lessons we have learned as a family.
Thankful for the love we have as a family.
Thankful for the gospel that strengthens me.
Thankful for the mess that teaches me. 
Thankful for the incredible strength and bond we have formed together while fighting these battles.
Thankful that my son is so courageous, that he is a warrior, and that he is choosing to fight this illness instead of giving up. 
Thankful for the people that surround our children with love and support, especially when we are battling the most difficult of battles.  
Thankful for a son who is choosing to serve a 2 year mission.  

I am choosing to be THANKFUL.

A thankful mind

Dear Life,

Normally I would tell you that I love Thanksgiving because it is the time we spend as a family, enjoying each other and eating a ton of delicious food.  Usually we go visit Stuart's family in the early afternoon, eat appetizers and visit and talk story.  We drag ourselves away, wanting to stay, yet wanting to visit with my sister and her family.  We drive an hour to the valley, and the boys play with their cousins and we eat even more delicious food and enjoy each others company.

This year, things are different.  Grandma is now in Heaven, enjoying Thanksgiving with the Angels.  We will miss her dearly.  She always made this amazing fruit salad with marshmallows and served it in a beautiful glass bowl.  She always made sure to tell us how long it took to make, and the boys made sure to eat a lot of it so she would be happy.  She loved watching the kids playing, and would rather spend time with them then talking with the adults.



There is another change, this is Kekoa's last Thanksgiving with us for two years.  He just came back from a semsester away at college.  He went to Brigham Young University Hawaii and fell in love with the land and the school.  While there, he received his mission call.   He leaves December 2nd to serve a mission for our church.  He will be serving in the Louisville, Kentucky Mission.  We are so proud of him, and we are so excited for this time of his life.  We are going to miss him so much.  We are so thankful that he is making the choice to put his life on hold, to serve the Lord, and we know he will be such an amazing missionary.

Because Kekoa is leaving in a few weeks, we are staying in one place for Thanksgiving this year, and some of our friends are joining us.  Thanksgiving is going to be even bigger, longer and sweeter.  I love our family so much, and I am so thankful for their support, their love, and for their example.  Family means everything to me.  I am thankful that we will spend a whole day with ours!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Joining the #LatterdayLinkup at This Mormon Life

LROhana Magic

Dear Life,

What makes a FAMILY?
The traditional definition of family are parents who love, care for and provide for their children. 
This definition is important and essential.
But there is another version of family that I want to talk about today.
There is a family built from community.  
A community that came about because one young man was injured doing what he loved the most. 
Jesse Billauer was 17 years old and headed towards becoming a pro surfer when he hit a sand bar surfing.
He became paralyzed instantly and his life changed.
He decided that becoming a paraplegic wasn't going to stop him from continuing to enjoy life and that was how 
LIFE ROLLS ON began.
For the last four years, Kumaka has been blessed to participate in "They Will Surf Again" events in Huntington Beach and La Jolla California 
as well as tear it up at the Venice skate park at the "They Will Skate Again" events.  
Kumaka has learned so much from participating in these events.
He has become more independent, more willing to try things, knowing that he is ABLE to.



At the "They Will Skate Again" Event in Venice, California 2015 after landing his first rail attempt 










But he also has a very special relationship with Jesse and Sam and all of the volunteers that have helped him over the years.  






Jesse Billauer and Kumaka at "They Will Skate Again" 2015





This year his daddy couldn't come to the La Jolla event.
That was the first time his daddy couldn't be out surfing with him.
He literally cried for two days.
He didn't want to go.
He didn't want to surf.
I had to promise him that I wouldn't make him surf without his daddy.
The day came and all of Kumaka's friends were so excited to surf.
But he wasn't.  He was sad.

Sam Billauer, Jesse's beautiful and amazing wife talked to Kumaka a few times trying to change his mind.  (By the way....she is putting out fires all day to keep the whole day running smoothly....so the fact that she spent time on Kumaka to try to get him to surf shows how much she loves these kids)





Sam Billauer and Kumaka at "They Will Surf Again" La Jolla, California 2015

Later on, Cory, Kumaka's fearless Red Team captain, the man who has surfed with Kumaka every single time he's surfed took a few minutes to talk to him.  
He got him in the water to swim and then all of a sudden Kumaka was ready to surf. 


 Photo Cred: John Jefferson

Party Wave in La Jolla, California



Photo Cred: John Jefferson
Kumaka had the best time surfing with two of his friends.
Cory's son even surfed with Kumaka towards the end of the session.
After Kumaka was done, he told me how happy he was he surfed and wanted to go out again.  

Photo Cred: John Jefferson

The incredible Cory and Kumaka after surfing.

That is Life Rolls On Magic. 



These amazing people take their whole day out to help create magic.


This year, Kumaka's sister Sofi surfed for the first time. 
In Huntington Beach, our hometown, our sweet Bulgarian princess SURFED.
It was an amazing and beautiful experience.
When we watched that magical moment, we remembered where she came from.  
We remembered her first three years of life.

Three years in a crib. 
Never leaving it.
Looking at white walls.
No mommy or daddy to take care of her or love her.
No family.
She was free.....free 
from that past as she was held up by Cory.


He sat her in front of him on the surfboard because she can't lay on her stomach happily.
The minute he took off on a wave, she squealed with delight and her smile lit up the ocean.  

Photo Cred: Jerry Jaramillo

I'm sure God was looking down on that miracle moment and 
smiled.
She caught four waves that day.

Our little Bulgarian princess is now a mermaid. 

Photo Cred: Anthony Manliguez

From the orphanage in Bulgaria to the OCEAN in California.

That is Life Rolls On Magic.

That is LROhana 

{Ohana means Family in Hawaiian}

From the Jensen Ohana to the Billauer Family and all of the LRO volunteers and sponsors....thank you for an amazing year and thank you for making MAGIC.

Photo Cred: Anthony Manliguez

and a Bulgarian Princess

Miracles

Dear Life,

Do you believe in miracles?  
I do.
I have for years.
First watching "Little" (Kumaka) as he navigates boy hood full force.

Remembering the baby years....the multiple shunt revisions...the casts for months on end (that lasted for years)...the surgery after surgery to correct feet....and then hips....and then broken bones....the ongoing infections.

I never in a million years would have imagined Kumaka to be this active....this happy....this....BOY LIKE.  

There is not a "can't do" moment....it's a how can I attitude. 

The last few years have been truly miraculous to watch and given us much joy.

Then, we embarked on the adoption journey.

Did we have the necessary funding in our account just waiting?
No.
But Sofi was waiting.
And we determined that she would wait no more for someone to be her family.
We fell in love with her....and decided that we would do whatever it took to bring her home.

And we did.
Everything we could think of.
Cupcake days, shoe drives, clothing drives, pizza days, jewelry giveaways, TV Raffles, Helmet Raffles, etc etc etc.

We have driven to Los Angeles more times than we can count to get paperwork taken care of.  We have cried, laughed, and prayed harder than ever.

And then our court date happened.

We didn't get a "Now she's yours moment".
We got a continuance.
We needed current fingerprint clearances from the FBI.  
At the time we needed them, our government was shut down. So we got state clearances and prayed they would work.
They didn't.

SO....the day we had court and didn't pass, Stuart and I rushed to the police station to get our fingerprints done.  I then rushed to get money orders and had them sent next day to the FBI.  

When I knew the received them I called to beg for them to expedite.  
Normally fingerprint clearances take 6-8 weeks.
I didn't have that kind of time.
We begged, my agency begged, and we found someone to do them.
They sent them out on December 24th.

BUT they sent them to the wrong place.
So yesterday and today we have been in a panic trying to figure what to do.
Right when my  head bowed, and my tears flowed, because Sofi's fate was to be put in the hands of the judge....again...
God stepped in.
The documents were found.  My money orders were found.
The State Department is helping us by expediting our paperwork.  
They will get there in time.
By a hair.  
That's all we need.

Yes, I believe in miracles.  
I believe in people.
Because throughout this journey, I have witnessed the goodness of people all over this world.  

I am a better person because of this journey.

Miracles are real.  
You just have to believe.

 

She has a story

 Dear Life,

When I met Sofi in that orphanage, and heard a small part of her story, I realized that this little girl was being saved for a reason.  Her story is just beginning, and yet, her story started at birth.  

Sofi was born to a young girl, 14 years of age.  She was born prematurely, and didn't breathe well right away.  She started having seizures that lasted for five days.  Finally, the doctors did surgery, and put a shunt in to relieve her hydrocephalus.   Sofi was five days old, and she had already fought hard to live.  And sadly, she went through all of that alone.  In a crib in the hospital, scared, barely alive, and alone.  There was no one there to make sure she was being cared for, no one to hold her little hand, no one to advocate for her, no one to hear her cries.  When she was finally stable, two weeks later, she was sent to a large orphanage.  It was there that she was left in a crib.  For two years.  She was only fed through a bottle.  Her body started to become stiff and rigid from not being taken out of the crib.  Not surprisingly, she never spoke, she never smiled, she barely existed.  That was her life for two years.  In December 2011, she was moved to the home she is at now.  There are only 7 children there, and they worked hard to change things for her.  Under their care, after many months,  she started to make a few sounds, and they taught her to eat mashed up food with a spoon. She started to smile.  

Early in 2012, Nina, our caseworker with Children's House International, first saw Sofi's file.  Below  is her part in Sofi's story.

"Before Sofi Rose became Sofi she was my Liliana.  Liliana was one of a group of children whose information I received in 2012 after I had visited Bulgaria.   Her foundation had heard my story of my love for my niece and nephew who were also born with neural tube defects.   They knew my eyes were open to the possibilities and potential these children had if they were loved and educated.  So, her foundation began requesting the profiles of children like Sofi that they knew I would fight to find families for.   Sofi's information was one page of medical information and a single photo.  Her orphanage was far from the capital and her information was grim.  She was a tiny girl who had not yet met any milestones.  Nobody visited her.   Nobody bothered to go see this small girl.  So with my one photo and my one page of information I decided this tiny girl deserved a fierce name.  In some cultures the weakest babies are given the names of saints as protection.   I decided to call Sofi Liliana as an alias.  Liliana Panitza was a heroine of great strength in Sofi's home country.  Liliana Panitza was instrumental on defying Hitler during WWII to save the lives of 50,000 Jews.  She was not in a position of great power.  She was just a girl inner strength an conviction.    What better name for Sofi,  who had nothing,  than to call her by the name of a woman who saved so many.  For over a year nobody inquired about Sofi.  I would speak to families about her and invariably the families would decline interest.  Until the day Tracy called.  I believe I sent her information on several girls.  Sofi's information was in the group. "

We received files of a few girls.  We scrolled  through the files,  looking for the pictures. Suddenly, we stopped, entranced by  this adorable baby, dressed in blue.  Her eyes were large, and so wonderfully brown.  Her eyes captured us, and there was no turning back.  

We started on this journey of adoption, having only read that one page of medical history, and seen one baby picture.

We prayed daily, praying for her health, for her to feel our love through the miles.  I would like to think that somehow, those prayers were answered.  When I traveled the many hours to meet Sofi, she was much different than I expected.  She was able to respond a little, she smiled a lot, and she had a few sounds.  The home she lives in is clean, bright, and decorated colorfully.  

It was while I was visiting her that I learned about Sofi's earlier years.  And I wept for her.  For the two year old that fought valiantly to live despite all of the odds stacked against her.  When I learned that she should have had medicals done yearly, but it appeared that those were never done, I realized that the other orphanage expected her to die.  

Almost like a physical blow, I felt so strongly that Sofi's story is huge.  That this amazing little girl has a huge story...and it's just starting.  That she survived the odds stacked against her because God held her in His hands, protected her, and then placed her in this home until we came along.  There is no other explanation.  

Sofi may never tell her story.  But we will.  We are so blessed to be able to do so.  And all because of you.  
We are so very close.  

She's almost home.  Her story is changing once again, but for the better.  She won't have to fight alone anymore.  She won't have to shed silent tears.  She will reach out and I will hold her hand. 

 She will laugh and we will laugh with her.  Her joy will be our joy.  Her joy will be your joy too.  

If you have wondered why we fight so hard to bring her here, why we continue to come up with all these crazy fundraisers, now you know.  She fought harder than we ever will, and she fought alone.  We are not alone, we have an army.  An army of wonderful, loving people.  An army to bring home a girl. 
You are in our army.

Fourteen Days

Dear Life,

What will you be doing in fourteen days?
Watching your son play football?
Watching your daughter dance?
Sending your kids off to Homecoming?

In Fourteen Days I will be boarding a plane with my best friend.
Off to the other side of the world.
To Eastern Europe.
To visit Sofi.

It's finally here.
I can't believe it.
And we have had so many people reach out to support us..to help us get to her.
And for that, we are so grateful.

Do you wonder what will happen while I am there?

I will visit her October 7-11 for a few hours a day.
On Wednesday I will sign...agreeing to finalize our adoption.
I will take her to get a picture taken for her Visa.
Then, on Friday, I will leave her.

The very week I get back, I will need to pay the 4000 euros (our FINAL FEES) which translates to about $5500.

Sofi's country will not finalize any paperwork until those fees are completely paid off.

THIS IS SO IMPERATIVE.
We need to get this paid NOW!!!
I don't want her to have to wait.
As soon as the fees are completed, her file will go to court, and we will become her legal parents. 
This process takes between 3-5 months.
Then we will go get her FOR GOOD.
WE ARE ALMOST THERE.

We can't stop now!!!

SHARE SOFI'S STORY.


She needs to come home to her mommy and daddy.
She is 4 1/2 years old.
She currently weighs 22 pounds and does not have adequate medical care.


Help us.
Please.
Here's how:

Used clothing drive.

We are accepting gently used clothing of ALL sorts:
Men's, Women's, Children's, bedding, hats, belts, purses. Clean out your closets and drop them at my house.  My garage was about 1/2 of the way full and we got a check from Angel Bins for $575.  If I can fill up my garage 4 more times...that will make a difference.  


Threads of Hope bracelets:

In Puerta Galero in the Philippines, the families struggle to eat. Through these bracelets, made by the mothers and children in that village, the children no longer have to turn to prostitution to help feed their families. This fundraiser has two parts.... Helping those families and raising money to bring home an orphan. Our little Sofi. One bracelet is $2 and three is $5. For every bracelet sold, we raise one dollar for Sofi and one dollar to feed a family. Best two dollars you could spend today. So buy one.... For every family member. Share this post. Be the change today!
(Email me with your order and I will send you a paypal invoice. fivejensenboyz@gmail.com)

We would love to have more runners on our team "Steps to Sofi" for the Long Beach Marathon or 5K

You can go HERE to join the team:http://www.crowdrise.com/stepstosofi/fundraiser/tracyjensen (the money here goes to our adoption agency Children's House International to pay the rest of the fees and is tax deductible)

You can also choose a runner and sponsor them there as well. 

You also have to go HERE http://runlongbeach.com/ to sign up for the race.  We are having people do half marathon as well as 5K.  

You don't have to actually run to be on the team!  You can virtually sign up for our team and raise money!

Here is a general fund donation page: This will help pay our travel fees and other general expenses.

 

We are doing a Squares for Sofi Fundraiser.  You donate $5 to participate.  You make a quilt square (hand sewn, fabric markers or puffy paint...or whatever you design) to be put together for a quilt for Sofi.  We would love to have all of our close friends and family be a part of this special love fundraiser. 

Plus Stuart thought of this one...so we have to give him props!

So.....there are so many ways. to help.  Pick one.  Pick them all.  Just please look inside your heart and bring home this girl.  One less orphan....

Lifted

Dear Life,

As I sit here writing this, I am truly humbled.
With tears in my eyes I feel lifted by God's hand.
Over the last week, ever since we received our dates to visit Sofi, I have felt enormous stress and pressure.
Couple that with extreme excitement and uncertainty and you can see why I have ended up sleepless every night.

First and foremost we are so very grateful and happy and excited to FINALLY meet our girl.
We are a little shocked that we are at this point...it almost seemed like it would never happen.
And then the fear set in...what if we don't raise enough money.
What if I get lost!!! (Never been in Europe....I'm a little nervous)
What if Sofi doesn't like me.
What if what if what if.
Uncertainty.
Keeps me up at night.

I prayed extra hard.
In words I pleaded to all of you...to anyone who reads my blog.
I talked to my friends.
I talked with my best friend, my sweetheart.
I got grounded.

And then I got happy mail today.
I got a beautiful hoop from Jaime (Baezamama on IG) that simply says Be Brave in the most beautiful sunshiney yellow tones. (This was from a hoop exchange hosted by Emmy from "It's Just Emmy" as an adoption fundraiser for her upcoming adoption).
Then I got four envelopes....all containing money.

And then I felt lifted.
I knew that even in my hard hours...when I'm crying and pleading....God hears me and knows me.

I'm going to share this picture of my little man Kumaka....

Do you see this boy? He's flying...having the time of his life.
He has these experiences because he has a family that loves him...friends that love him...and people that reach out to teach him.
Sofi does not have that.
She is waiting for us to give her a forever family.
More importantly, we need her.
She's already ingrained in our hearts.
I know she is supposed to come to our family.

Help our girl come home.  We are so very close.  You can read HERE to find out all the ways you can bring our girl home. 

Thank you.