A Confession

Dear Life,


When I went to church for the first time with Sofi, I got my feelings hurt.  People didn't know what to do with her, what class she should go to, what to think. I mean, she was so teeny tiny, she didn't look like a five year old, she was like a baby.  

 I went into fight mode.  This was my baby we were talking about.    I spoke with our bishop expressing my frustration.  Then I took a minute and realized I needed to TEACH people what to do, not ASSUME they know what to do when they see children that are disabled.  I live with disability day in and day out.  Most people don't.  I forgot that.  I was not being fair to those in our church.  For that, I am so sorry.  I took my sweet girl into Relief Society, dressed in her prettiest dress with her hair as perfect as could be, and introduced her to the women. 

 I shared her story.  And with tears in my eyes I asked them to please consider taking turns with her so that I could go to class.  I needed spiritual edification more than ever.  The sisters were amazing.  They got lists together and every week people took turns taking her to primary.  I have since communicated with the Primary President to talk about the best placement for Sofi.  Talking together, sharing what works and what doesn't, and putting aside my very tender heart to be able to not get my feelings hurt but hear what people are actually saying really helped me resolve our issue.  Since then, our church has put a great article about how to reach out to those with disabilities.  I love this article so much and it's applicable to so many areas.  It's called "Reaching Out to Those with Disabilities-And Their Families" in the February 2015 issue of the Ensign.    Please take a few minutes to read it.  Its opened my eyes and touched my heart.  It can be applied outside of a church environment as well.  Be a friend, take the time to listen, be understanding.  Parents of children or caretakers of adults that have disabilities are often exhausted, and don't realize that they need to take the time to explain what their life is like.  I am so thankful for Sofi.  She is such a bright light in our family.  And we are so thankful to everyone who has taken the time to spend an hour with her, to sing with her, to ask how she's doing.  

Who am I?

Dear Life,

During my young years I struggled.
A lot.
I questioned God.
Did He exist?
I felt unloved as a child/teen.

I am the product of very young parents.  My dad was 17 and my mom barely turned 18 when she had me.
My dad had an alcohol problem.  That turned into a drug problem. He couldn't be there for me, he couldn't even get himself together.
After my parent's divorced when I was one, I didn't see my dad regularly.
Over the years my mother remarried, twice.
I never connected enough with my step fathers.
Alcohol has always been prevalent in my family.
Drugs have also been prevalent in my family.
I suffered from not having good examples to look up to in my immediate family.
I also didn't have a strong relationship with my mother; she has always worked hard to provide for her children but is not a warm and fuzzy person.
My self esteem suffered.
Was I not good enough?
What did I do to deserve this?
Am I a bad person?

By the time I graduated high school, my life was out of control.
I left my mom's house the summer I graduated.
I didn't complete my classes at the local community college.
I had a dead end job.
I had dead end boyfriends.
My life was turning into a dead end.
Dead.
Multiple times from my junior year in high school to age 20 I was in a depression.
I will admit to wanting to end the dead end.
It's scary to be that low.
To not have hope.
To not have faith.
Thankfully I was blessed with a few really amazing friends.
Friends who supported me at my lowest.
Friends who told me to pull my head out of my rear.
And then I met HIM.

He was my best friend almost immediately.
We talked constantly.
(We lived an hour away from each other....so we had to talk a lot)
I went to his house on the weekends.
We fell in love.
We had a baby.

We got married.

In that order.  But that was good. Because of Keoni, I asked Stuart about his church.  I wanted to raise my child in a church.  That was so important to me.  I knew that without having Keoni, I never would have asked about church.  Stuart was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints  He wasn't actively going to church at that time. As  I learned about the beliefs, the standards and the beginnings of the church, Stuart relearned. I knew early on that this church is true and Stuart renewed his faith.
I had a testimony of the gospel.  I finally knew that God existed, and that He had a plan for me. ME.  There was a plan.  I was supposed to go through all of the hard stuff.  It made me who I was.  I found comfort in the gospel.  I found peace.  And one day as I was sitting in the chapel I came to an important realization.  I was NEVER alone.  God was always with me. Even at my lowest, He knew and He was there. He brought people into my life to help me get through it.  People that are still very important to me. And when my life could have spiraled into nothingness, he gave me the best gift of all.
A wonderful man, who loves me unconditionally.  A man who supports me in all that I do.   A man who is an amazingly patient father and husband.  He is a wonderful example.
And then He entrusted me with five of his special spirits.
Sometimes I doubt myself.
Okay...I doubt myself a lot.
But I know I'm not alone.
I will never be alone.
I am a daughter of God.