Learn

Dear Life,

I used to LOVE writing the Five Minute Friday Challenge.   It's been quite awhile since I've taken five minutes for anything....so I'm starting again TODAY! Kate's word prompt this week is 

learn.

Go:

This month I've had to learn to let go...
I took one of my son's to Hawaii to start his own adventure in life....
His adventure in college....
We spent an amazing week together....
During that week I saw him starting to stretch and grow.....
And when I left him (with tears coursing down my face)....
I knew it was my time to learn to let him go.....
It's his turn to learn....
To stretch....
To dream...
To get hurt...
To pick himself up and dust himself off...
To become a man.
I am learning to be a mom of a young man who is making his own choices, making his own memories, making his own path.
I am learning that letting go hurts like heck.
But I am also learning that it is the best thing for him.
I am so proud of my young man. 
He's an amazing kid.
I can't wait to see what he learns.
While I learn to be patient and watch.

Stop

If you want to read more about Five Minute Friday go HERE. 

The gift of life

Dear Life,

Today I feel prompted to talk about something that is a little sensitive. The topic is life...the gift of life.  It's a hot topic...people are very passionate about their position.  I don't want to take away someone else's opinion....just share mine and why I feel so strongly about it.

I want to talk about how a woman feels when she is pregnant....and has happily carried that baby to second trimester....and is waiting to find out if they are having a boy or a girl.  It's an exciting time...you may or may not have bought some clothes....if it's your first child you may have started putting the baby's room together.  Everyone in your life knows you are having a baby.  And then it happens.  You go to your ultrasound....grasping your husband's hand excitedly....and suddenly there's a knot in your stomach as you watch the tech's face drop...or the doctor doesn't talk for awhile as he's looking at the ultrasound pictures.  Suddenly the happy, beautiful, sunshine day has turned dark, dreary and so very sad.  You are told your child has Spina Bifida.  You are blown away.  You don't even know what that means.  You  cry and you ask what it all means.  You are told things like: your child might not walk, might be cognitively delayed, might have bowel and bladder problems, might have brain damage, might not live.  You are told that your child will not live a productive life.  You are told you have a small window to terminate your pregnancy.  In our case we were 19 weeks pregnant.  Almost half our pregnancy.  When you see ultrasound pictures, the "fetus" looks like a baby.  In your heart this is a baby.  And how do you process all of the doom and gloom the doctors tell you?  How do you figure out which path to take when someone from the medical field that you trust tells you it's okay to terminate your pregnancy?  When you are told worst cast scenarios, but in reality the doctor can't tell you exactly what to expect until the child is born.  How can we think about doing something so permanent to a child who has no voice?  Aren't we, as parents, supposed to be their voice from the very beginning?  And shouldn't the medical field support that notion?  No one told us that our child would have such a sparkly personality....that he would have the strongest disposition and not let anything stop him....no one told us that he would melt our hearts every day.  Why?  Because they can't....but they also can't determine what kind of challenges the child will have from an ultrasound. So what does a parent do with that?  Where do they turn?  Who do they trust?  They go to the internet....they search day and night...for hope...for a sign of joy in a scary land.  If they are lucky, they will find some pretty amazing parents who are willing to share their life with them to give them the strength to go through the hardest thing they have ever been through.  If they are lucky they see some pretty amazing children LIVE.  And if they are lucky....they realize that life is a gift...and just because their child has a diagnosis....it doesn't mean that is who they are.  All of the children I know that have Spina Bifida are first and foremost children.  They are people....they do amazing things...yes...some things take longer for them....or maybe they won't do some things that other kids do....but that is just a small part of who they are.  They have smiles that brighten a room....they have strength that you never thought a child could have....they are the hardest workers...and they love their life.  Their life is a gift.



 I feel so blessed to have an amazing group of women around me who are willing to put themselves out there, share their innermost feelings to help other soon to be mothers.  I am so blessed to have mothers who share their daily struggles and joys...so that we can all get through the highs and lows and know that we are all going to be ok.  There are scary moments...we've all had them...and been there for each other.  We've also rejoiced together...these women make my little world complete.  They laugh with me and they cry with me.  When I have questions...they are there with answers.  Not one of us regrets this gift we've been given...it's actually the opposite.  We feel humble, blessed, and incredibly happy that these children are in our homes. 

I feel strongly that it is my responsibility to talk about this....to share these feelings with all of you.  You see, there might be a mother...a scared, confused mother.....who doesn't know what to do.  They might read this and feel a little hope...they might ask me for more information.  And then they can enter this circle of mothers...this strong group of amazing people.....and KNOW that they can handle anything....and that this life is a gift.

I can do hard things

Dear Life,

This week was hard.  REALLY hard.

via

I took the boy in the Giant Green Cast to the doctor by myself.  I did okay getting him in the car,  and getting him out of the car.
Was SHOCKED when the doctor told me that he would be out of school the rest of the school year.
Was also surprised to hear that Kumaka would be in a brace for a couple of months AFTER the cast.
A pretty prohibitive brace to keep his hips in the socket and not allow him to move too much.
That bummed me out.
A LOT.
And then as I pushed him through the office and parking lot among the stares, got the boy strapped into the car, and attempted to left up the VERY heavy adult wheelchair into my car, I was really struggling.  I started to cry (I know....lame right?) because the stupid chair was so heavy and the shock on the back door of my Suburban is broken, making the door shut right after I open it.

via

 Then I wiped my eyes, and forced it to work.
But I was still really bummed.



I also have one boy challenging us in all things we've taught him.
It's hard to watch your kids grow up and have to learn things the hard way.
Free agency....we all have it. We don't always use it in the best way.
And it's now time for me to sit back and watch.
It's hard.


Then my very mellow child had a long night of little sleep.
He got up GRUMPY!
He was fussing about all kinds of stuff and made himself late for school.
He was crying and didn't want to go to school like that.
I had an appointment and needed to get me and little ready so I had limited patience.
I attempted to drop him off at the front of the school.
He wouldn't get out.
So I walked around the car, picked up his backpack and handed it to him.
He threw it back in the car.
I picked it back up and put it on the side walk.
I took his hand and pulled him out of the car.
I got back in my car and drove away.
I called the school office, explained the situation (he already had gone to the office) and asked that they let him sit down until he settled down.
AWESOME.
(He did come home and apologize later and I told him sorry for dumping him and taking off)

The next day another one of my children decided to go on the "You don't listen to me, you don't care about me, nothing is good enough for you rant."
Double AWESOME.

Enter mommy guilt.

I am on my knees a lot right now.
And I'm trying really hard to talk less and listen more.
To everyone.

A little piece of me is being stubborn and saying "no one is listening to ME! and I'm the MOM!"
But right now is not the time for that.

As I carried Kumaka one day, with his arms around my neck and me holding on to each leg, I looked at him and the words "I can do hard things" came to my mind.  I CAN do hard things. I AM doing hard things.  Mostly because I have no choice.  I haven't cried this much in a long time.  Hopefully next week I can do hard things without crying.

Praying this week is better.
Praying for patience.
Praying for peace.
Praying for knowledge.
Praying.

via

Linking up here

A Proud Moment....and then a sad boy :(

Dear Life,

Thank you for today.  Today was an amazingly wonderful day.  The very first memory that I never want to forget is that of my four year old hearing me blast music so I can clean my house and racing to me wanting to dance.  I of course put out my arms, he slipped his adorable little arms around my neck and we danced cheek to cheek.  There is always housework....there will not always be sweet little arms around my neck.

I don't ever ever want to forget how fast he scurried when he heard the music....as he climbed up in my lap I thought...well there goes the laundry....and the joy when cheek to cheek we moved back and forth to the music.  He is my baby....what I wouldn't do to keep him small.

The second thing that was amazingly wonderful was...drumroll please.....after 7 years of scouting, our oldest son is officially an Eagle Scout.  What an honor and privilege it is to say that.  I am so proud of him...it is a very long road to haul and he has had his moments of ambivalence towards it.  The men on the board that interviewed him were so kind, and said really amazing things about him.  I hope he realizes what an amazing young man he is and what an amazing accomplishment this is.  Yay Keoni!

The sad part is that my freshman sang in his first choir perfomance....and we were unable to attend....because of the Board of Review.  He came home devastated.  Which put a damper on the good mood we were feeling.  I thought he understood....but he didn't.  And mama angst was going full force.  But a little later he came to me and we talked.  I apologized and told him how much I wanted to be there and if it wasn't such a monumental event I would have been there.  He forgave me....after much pleading and begging.  Oh yeah....and I promised him a one on one date.  So, thanks life for such an amazing day.  And thanks for the principle of forgiveness and the promise of a date with my boy.