Dear Life,
When I was younger I didn't think I would ever get married. Because my own mother married three times, I didn't WANT to be married. It was obviously overrated. But miraculously, I met a wonderful man and did indeed get married. Over the years our family has grown, boy after boy, until we have a grand total of five boys. Two are in high school, one is in junior high, one is in elementary school and one is in preschool. I love my boys (and my husband) more than life itself. I thank God every day that He has chosen me to be their mother. But in the next breath I often question His wisdom. I was a great mom to one boy; we went to the park, I read to him daily, we went on weekly excursions together. Three years later, boy number two came and I loved having my two little boys. Our little family of four could be seen at Disneyland, the movies, the mall shopping or hanging out at home. We had a great time. When boy number three came along, I started getting overwhelmed. Lucky for me this young man is easygoing and loves me no matter what. He is just like his Dad, patient, understanding, and giving. God knew I needed help I think. Two years later a fourth boy came and I though I had it under control. These boys kept me busy, but I really really enjoyed them. We started having to learn how to deal with school districts, IEP's for language and speech, ADD, and homework. Oh the homework. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought I was getting it, I finally was figuring out how to be a good mom again; taking the boys to the pool, the library, putting them in soccer and swimming; I had my last boy. He is a blessing to our family. He is an angel here on earth. I can't imagine my life without him. He was born with Spina Bifida, two severely clubbed feet, hydrocephalus, and the biggest personality you could find on a four year old. This boy has been through more than all of us put together and then some. He does it all with a sweet smile and sometimes a little bit of a funny attitude. Nothing stops him. But recently I feel like everything stops me. Between helping my high school senior figure out his next steps, watching my freshman get his feet wet in high school, viewing my junior high boy successfully juggle the jungle of preteen hormones, helping my little 9 year old not get lost in the shuffle, and managing major health issues of my youngest, I am tired. Weary. And curious. How did I get this lot? I'm not complaining, believe me. But am I really the woman to do this...and do it well? My sweet husband has to really deal with a sometimes grumpy, not very organized, mess of a wife. I mean well, and I have great ideas. But most of the time I am too exhausted to actually make things happen. I feel like I am watching my life unfold from the sidelines. How do I get up and participate? I have never felt so much love from so many people in one house, nor have I felt so much frustration. I am at the point of losing control....at times I wonder if I've done enough, loved enough, cared enough (or possibly too much) and hugged enough. I love them all with every fiber of my being. Do they know that? Does my husband know how much I adore him? I am lucky....and exhausted. I am loved and I love....but is it enough? How am I doing I wonder and how will it all turn out? Will my kids look back and blame me for their quirky behavior like I do my own mom? I truly had no idea I would be a wife, mother to five, a chauffeur, a nurse, an advocate, a crafter, a banker, a lover, a fighter, and more sleep deprived than humanly possible. I didn't know I would be capable of loving this deep and fighting this hard. I just hope that my family knows that this life is hard, but oh so worth it. That I am grateful for all of this...even the deep dark circles under my eyes and pounding headache. I am amazed....I had no idea that this is what life was about. Thanks life, thanks for everything. And please remind my husband that I love him...he's sleeping right now.
