Sunday, December 18, 2011

My fear five years ago...

This post was inspired by Summer at Made by Munchies Mama.

 Five years ago I was pregnant with our youngest boy Kumaka. At nineteen weeks he was diagnosed with Spina Bifida, Hydrocephalus, and two Clubbed Feet.

 (You can read more about him here) We were afraid of a lot of things...I can't even write them all down, probably because I still have a lot of fear about a lot of things. But I remember distinctly the two biggest fears of mine that were unfounded.
One: I was terrified I would not bond with him.  We've all heard of this happening.  Especially when there is a traumatic event.  Like a child being born with a disability.  This was my very secret, shameful secret.  How could I even think like that?  I didn't know...but I did.  I was so scared of that.
Two:  I was equally terrified that I would hate his feet...and let me just say I am not a feet person I was petrified I would not want to touch or kiss his sweet baby feet.

So as we were excited about having boy number five come into our home...
I had secret fears I didn't even share with my husband.

The day approached...
Was I excited?  Yes! Was I terrified?  YES!

I put on my smile...and went off into the Operating Room.

And how could I have been afraid of this sweet boy?  Look at that sweet...he looks so Hawaiian here!  Yummy!
The next test was his feet....would I hate them?  Be afraid of them?

No....I would kiss them and give them a nickname...."Jellybean feet".  Which stuck....

So my fears were unfounded....there were a lot of prayers and a lot of tears before I met this sweet bundle of joy.

Of course there are new fears, and lots of uncertainty.  There is all of that with ANY child, but especially with a child with a disability.  I have learned that the only way to deal with fear of any sort is to give it up to the Lord, get down on my knees and pray.  If I need to cry I cry....and then I get up and do what I need to do.  I have found strength in Him, and learned that through Him all things are possible.  


From...A Mom of Boys!!!!


  1. He is so handsome! Happy Birthday to him!! You are one strong amazing momma!! THANK YOU for sharing this!

  2. Aww he was (and is a gorgeous) little guy...never have I cried so much over a blog....your post make me super emotional. my middle son is turning 5 in 3 mo's ....we were possibly Preggo together...

  3. Thank you for your sweet comments Riley's mom.....he's an amazing boy!


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