How can they say that Mom?

Dear Life,

Have you ever had a conversation with a small child when all of a sudden a very deep topic comes up?

UH OH.

And you say a quick prayer as you delve into that topic with this child....hoping your answers are enough.

Because lets face it people...just because we are parents DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE THE ANSWERS.

I know...I just said that out loud. 
*we don't have to tell the kids that, though!

Today I had a date with this kid before his theater class.

We were talking about Sofi, and why her mommy gave her up for adoption.
I told him that her mommy couldn't take care of her, so she did what she thought was best for the baby.
Then Kawika surprised me.
"Mom, what does it mean to terminate?"

I caught my breath for a moment.

Ok.....here goes.

"Terminating a pregnancy is when a mother decides she doesn't want her baby and the doctors give her medicine and the baby dies."

"Mommy, why do doctors tell mommies that it is ok to do that?"

(My kid was full of really hard questions today)

Well son, women fought really hard to be able to make choices about their bodies, and everyone has the right to end a pregnancy if they want to, even if we don't believe that it is right.

"Mommy, why can't the mommies stay pregnant and then give their babies to another family?"

(Can you believe this...my ten year old is saying these things!)

"Doctors have to tell parents when they see something is wrong with the baby.  Sometimes people think that the baby will not live a good life, that the baby will not be able to do a lot of things.  Sometimes people think that is the only option they have."


And here is where it gets golden people....

"Mommy, a doctor can't tell how the baby's life is going to be.  I mean, look at Kumaka.  He does everything he wants to do.  He's happy.  He does more than I do!  People should know that their babies can do whatever they want to do!"

I kissed his face....and I cried a little...hearing such simple truths...such wise answers....coming from a ten year old boy.
He amazed me today.  And really gave me a lot to think about.

I thought about all of our Spina Bifida friends.  
Each one is unique.
Each one has interests in different things.
And if the given the opportunity, each one will be able to achieve anything.

There's the flipper, the writer, the extreme athlete, the poster boy, the fearless one, the runner, the actress, the associate film producer, and the list goes on.  If you heard these names for other children, you wouldn't think anything of it.  

The parents of these children were told that their children would not be able to be productive....that they would not be able to do things that other children do.
And sometimes that's the case.
More often, they just do things differently.

And sometimes different can be a pretty awesome thing.

How can you love her like you love me?

Dear Keoni, Kekoa, Kalani, Kawika, and Kumaka,

One of you asked me a very important question yesterday.

"How do you love Sofi as much as you love me?  You've never even met her!"

I thought about that question a lot yesterday.

When I was pregnant  I didn't know any of you.
The only picture I had was a grainy ultrasound picture.
I didn't know how tall you would be.
I didn't know what your gifts would be.
I didn't know what your challenges would be.
I only knew that I loved you from the time you existed.

That is not much different than our love for Sofi.
We have an outdated photograph.
I don't know if she will ever talk or walk.
I don't know if she will ever smile.
I don't know if she will even bond with me the way I dream of.
I do know that I have loved her since I knew of her existence.
Although I don't  share her DNA, we share something more important....
LOVE

Adoption is much like 9 months of pregnancy.
You can either gain weight or lose weight (emotional eating or depression fasting)
You experience extreme mood swings.
You are prone to crying for no reason.
You wait for what seems like an eternity until you get to hold your child....

And then your life is never the same.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Welcome to Holland...and beyond

Dear Life,


I was given this letter from a doctor when we found out about Kumaka's diagnosis in utero.





by Emily Perl Kingsley

©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. 

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.  It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

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"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy!  I'm supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan.  They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place.  It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever  go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Below is our family's travelogue...

I was told I wasn't going to Italy as I was flying. I didn't enjoy my flight after 

that,and  I dreaded the landing. I was scared, and I was angry that I didn't get 

to go where I wanted to go. I was envious of those that were happily getting off

the plane and jet-setting through Italy having the time of their lives. Once I

landed though, I looked around and realized I could find beauty in this place.

It was not glamorous by any means, but I quickly learned that who I was with 

was more important than  where I was. I learned the language and found all

the secret roads to get  around easier. I met amazing local people who guided 

me on my way and I met amazing people getting off the plane when I did. Our 

families have toured Holland together, and done many of the same things. 

When I get lost, I look for these dear friends to guide me back to where I 

belong. I found a strength in myself and my family in Holland that Italy 

never would have given us. I found beauty, grace, and knowledge. I found an

inner peace I didn't know existed and when I was afraid of the unknown in 

Holland, I found a stronger relationship with God. Italy still sounds like fun, 

but I have found resilience in Holland, and that is something I will always be 

grateful for. I have moments of longing for Italy, but I love that I am 

vacationing in a very special place that not every person is chosen for. I am 

grateful for Holland and I wouldn't change the plane's path. Don't be afraid of 

Holland....embrace it!


Tracy

Kindness

Dear Life,

We've all heard that our challenges in life are to teach us something right?  Patience, forgiveness, etc.  While both of those are something I need to work on, I've discovered recently that I need to focus at least right now on kindness.

Kind: of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person: a kind and loving person.


I bet you're wondering where this came from.  If you know me, you know I can be a kind and loving person.  


I do my very best to be kind.  But at this moment in time I mean a little something different.   


When I found out about Kumaka's disability, I was 19 weeks pregnant.  It was devastating to


 say the least.  I turned inward, and I will admit I was angry.  Very angry.  Not at God.  Not 


at my baby.  I was angry at all the other mother's who were pregnant with healthy babies.


  Isn't that ridiculous?  I wasn't just a little angry, I was a lot angry.  I thought these mothers


 were so silly for saying when asked if they wanted a boy or a girl  "As long as the baby is 


healthy".  Hmmmmm.....what happens if that isn't the case I wanted to ask them?  I never 


did, though.  I steered clear of the healthy, head in the clouds, mommies 


to be and stayed in my little dark cloud of doom and scariness.  

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I wish I could say that attitude of mine has gone away completely.  It has to some degree as 


I have come to terms with the fact that everyone has challenges; not everyone has health 


challenges;  not everyone has financial challenges; not everyone has marriage challenges.  I 


have learned to understand that everyone is not going to understand my life, my child, my


 battles.  But I need to be KIND nevertheless.  I cannot force people to understand our 


life, and I cannot force people to see my son for what he is.  I can only be the best person 


I can be.  I can have love and compassion and kindness for others.  I can


 have empathy for others trials even if I think they are trivial or small.  I can understand 


that although it is my job to fight for my son it is not my job to fight everyone.  I need to 


discover the art of fighting only when necessary.  I've had to do some serious fighting and


 Kumaka is only five...and I think I have gotten a little hardened.  I need to soften my heart


 and be kind and compassionate.  When I talk to God tonight, I will ask for His help to


 develop these traits, and only then will I be successful.

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Do you have anything you are working on to better who you are to others ?

From... A Mom of Boys!!!