Dear Life,
Today I feel prompted to talk about something that is a little sensitive. The topic is life...the gift of life. It's a hot topic...people are very passionate about their position. I don't want to take away someone else's opinion....just share mine and why I feel so strongly about it.
I want to talk about how a woman feels when she is pregnant....and has happily carried that baby to second trimester....and is waiting to find out if they are having a boy or a girl. It's an exciting time...you may or may not have bought some clothes....if it's your first child you may have started putting the baby's room together. Everyone in your life knows you are having a baby. And then it happens. You go to your ultrasound....grasping your husband's hand excitedly....and suddenly there's a knot in your stomach as you watch the tech's face drop...or the doctor doesn't talk for awhile as he's looking at the ultrasound pictures. Suddenly the happy, beautiful, sunshine day has turned dark, dreary and so very sad. You are told your child has Spina Bifida. You are blown away. You don't even know what that means. You cry and you ask what it all means. You are told things like: your child might not walk, might be cognitively delayed, might have bowel and bladder problems, might have brain damage, might not live. You are told that your child will not live a productive life. You are told you have a small window to terminate your pregnancy. In our case we were 19 weeks pregnant. Almost half our pregnancy. When you see ultrasound pictures, the "fetus" looks like a baby. In your heart this is a baby. And how do you process all of the doom and gloom the doctors tell you? How do you figure out which path to take when someone from the medical field that you trust tells you it's okay to terminate your pregnancy? When you are told worst cast scenarios, but in reality the doctor can't tell you exactly what to expect until the child is born. How can we think about doing something so permanent to a child who has no voice? Aren't we, as parents, supposed to be their voice from the very beginning? And shouldn't the medical field support that notion? No one told us that our child would have such a sparkly personality....that he would have the strongest disposition and not let anything stop him....no one told us that he would melt our hearts every day. Why? Because they can't....but they also can't determine what kind of challenges the child will have from an ultrasound. So what does a parent do with that? Where do they turn? Who do they trust? They go to the internet....they search day and night...for hope...for a sign of joy in a scary land. If they are lucky, they will find some pretty amazing parents who are willing to share their life with them to give them the strength to go through the hardest thing they have ever been through. If they are lucky they see some pretty amazing children LIVE. And if they are lucky....they realize that life is a gift...and just because their child has a diagnosis....it doesn't mean that is who they are. All of the children I know that have Spina Bifida are first and foremost children. They are people....they do amazing things...yes...some things take longer for them....or maybe they won't do some things that other kids do....but that is just a small part of who they are. They have smiles that brighten a room....they have strength that you never thought a child could have....they are the hardest workers...and they love their life. Their life is a gift.
I feel so blessed to have an amazing group of women around me who are willing to put themselves out there, share their innermost feelings to help other soon to be mothers. I am so blessed to have mothers who share their daily struggles and joys...so that we can all get through the highs and lows and know that we are all going to be ok. There are scary moments...we've all had them...and been there for each other. We've also rejoiced together...these women make my little world complete. They laugh with me and they cry with me. When I have questions...they are there with answers. Not one of us regrets this gift we've been given...it's actually the opposite. We feel humble, blessed, and incredibly happy that these children are in our homes.
I feel strongly that it is my responsibility to talk about this....to share these feelings with all of you. You see, there might be a mother...a scared, confused mother.....who doesn't know what to do. They might read this and feel a little hope...they might ask me for more information. And then they can enter this circle of mothers...this strong group of amazing people.....and KNOW that they can handle anything....and that this life is a gift.
Normally I start my posts with Dear Life....but today I am writing to parents all over the world.
Dear Parents,
Parenting is the hardest job in the world. It's also the most fulfilling job in the world.
It's beautiful when your newborn is placed in your arms, wrapped up and content. It's amazing when your toddler grasps your finger to walk for the first time. It's hilarious to hear first words and sentences. All of these and many many more milestones will make your heart leap for joy and your mind will remember those times with great fondness.
It's so hard when your kids hit the teen years. One moment you'd like to strangle them (or lay them across your lap and spank them even when they are four inches taller than you!) ...another you're confused as to why they are choosing to completely ignore you and not speak to you....another sweet small moment they open up their hearts and ask questions about what they are going through. Some days the teen years make me gray, and others are the most amazing, fulfilling times.
It's devastating as a parent to hear your child will be born or was just born with a disability, or your child has had an accident and their life will be forever changed or they get some kind of illness that will completely take over their life and possibly shorten it. This is the hardest part of being a parent in my opinion. What do you do when you find out a diagnosis, or hear your child is injured? I am going to admit there are times when I would like to go in my room, pull the covers over my head, and go fetal. (There are times I have actually done that.) But then I have to get up, put on my big girl pants, and get on with life. I get on my knees, I beg and plead for the strength to get up and do what my kids need me to do, and then I move forward with the hand of God on my shoulder to strengthen me in my weaknesses.
The gift of life is amazing. I have been blessed....by a Father in Heaven who trusts me enough to mother five wonderful children. That is so humbling. Occasionally I question my ability to parent these boys up to the standard that God would have. I question myself, my patience, my understanding. Am I enough? Do I give enough? Do I love them enough? Do I teach them enough? Are they growing up knowing the gospel? Are they growing up knowing how to love others? Are they growing up knowing how to love themselves? And are they growing up knowing how to be GREAT men? I hope so. I pray so. I believe so.
How, as parents, can we hold all of these emotions? Having five children, I sometimes feel like I have to have multiple personalities in the same day to help every child. But I truly treasure each child for their individuality, their strengths, and even their weaknesses. My children amaze me every day. And when I'm weak, when I make mistakes, when I'm so tired I just don't do what I'm supposed to do, I gather my brood and I talk to them. I tell them how I'm feeling, I tell them I love them, and I tell them I'm sorry when I could have done a better job. I'm not perfect, they're not perfect. None of us are perfect, and we are not expected to be perfect. We are here to learn, grow, make mistakes, and grow from those mistakes. We are here to receive hardships, and to learn to rely on a loving Heavenly Father to get us through them. We are also here to learn to serve others, to not get so wrapped up in our own problems that we forget that the friend around the corner may need to talk, or get some help with a ride for their kids, or someone may need babysitting, etc. As we serve, we strengthen....ourselves and others. It's a beautiful thing.
So, am I enough? Yes. Are you enough? Yes. Can we get through these crazy, amazing, wonderful years of parenting and survive? Yes!!!!!
I am so grateful for my husband who lifts me up when I am down and is always a source of strength in our family. I am grateful for each and every one of my children. They amaze me every single day. Sometimes it's a great kind of amazement...and others...well....we all have those kind of days. But I wouldn't change one of them....they all have different strengths, different weaknesses, but they all have amazing hearts. I am grateful for my God, who I know has a plan for me, my family, and for this world. I am grateful for the gospel that has taught me so many correct principles...that allow me to live my life knowing that I will be with my family for eternity.....that allow me to find a strength I never knew I had....that reminds me that when I am low, when I am down, God has got me...and He will always be there. I am grateful for amazing, wonderful friends. I am grateful for challenges, and for the ability we all have to get through them. I am grateful for life....
I was featured HERE today talking about how we started our adoption journey.
