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Dear Life,

Do you remember Susanna?

You can read her story here.

After I wrote that post, a wonderful family came forward and started the process of adopting not only Susanna, but Susanna's best friend as well.

Kristin and Keith Williams is this family.  I wrote to Kristin, and shared my love for Susanna and how excited I was to know that there is finally going to be a family for Susanna. You can read their blog at The Road to Piecefield.

Last week the unthinkable happened.  Susanna died.  Susanna was never able to meet her mommy and daddy. She never had the opportunity to leave her crib. Praying that with God's grace she felt the love this family had for her through the miles.  Although Susanna is now running in Heaven, her family's hearts are breaking. One less in this case is not a good thing.  It is a devastating loss.  

The need for orphan awareness is huge.
The time is now.
Not everyone is called to adopt.
THAT IS OKAY.
But everyone should take the time to learn about the orphan crisis all over the world.
Every person that prays, advocates and donates is a part of alleviating the crisis. 

Adopt Give Support Advocate

Mending broken hearts

Dear Life,

Parenting doesn't come with the "How To Be The Best Mom Ever For Dummies" book. I wish it did.  There are so many pitfalls, so many things that come up that throw you for a loop.  When you have a baby, you have to figure out how to make your baby sleep....on a schedule.  (I failed that task by the way) Then there's the helping them read....helping them when the girl they like doesn't like them....helping them when school is not their favorite place to be.  The list goes on.    

But how do you mend a broken heart?  How do you move forward when your child has been wounded?  There are many ways a child can be hurt, and each experience calls for a different kind of expertise.  How do we find the answers when we don't have the playbook?  How do we mend their hearts when we are just as blindsided as they are?  How do we wipe their tears when we can't see through our own tears?

There is only one way. You hold on to Him.  Through the Atonement, we can all find comfort and peace.  We must remember that Christ's heart was broken, he has felt our sorrows, all so we can be whole, so our hearts can mend. 

3rd Nephi 17

 21 And when he had said these words, he ^awept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and ^bblessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

Am I enough?

Normally I start my posts with Dear Life....but today I am writing to parents all over the world.

Dear Parents,

Parenting is the hardest job in the world.  It's also the most fulfilling job in the world.  

 It's beautiful when your newborn is placed in your arms, wrapped up and content.  It's amazing when your toddler grasps your finger to walk for the first time.  It's hilarious to hear first words and sentences.  All of these and many many more milestones will make your heart leap for joy and your mind will remember those times with great fondness.

It's so hard when your kids hit the teen years.  One moment you'd like to strangle them (or lay them across your lap and spank them even when they are four inches taller than you!) ...another you're confused as to why they are choosing to completely ignore you and not speak to you....another sweet small moment they open up their hearts and ask questions about what they are going through.  Some days the teen years make me gray, and others are the most amazing, fulfilling times.  

It's devastating as a parent to hear your child will be born or was just born with a disability, or your child has had an accident and their life will be forever changed or they get some kind of illness that will completely take over their life and possibly shorten it.  This is the hardest part of being a parent in my opinion.  What do you do when you find out a diagnosis, or hear your child is injured?  I am going to admit there are times when I would like to go in my room, pull the covers over my head, and go fetal.  (There are times I have actually done that.)  But then I have to get up, put on my big girl pants, and get on with life.  I get on my knees, I beg and plead for the strength to get up and do what my kids need me to do, and then I move forward with the hand of God on my shoulder to strengthen me in my weaknesses.   

The gift of life is amazing.  I have been blessed....by a Father in Heaven who trusts me enough to mother five wonderful children.  That is so humbling.  Occasionally I question my ability to parent these boys up to the standard that God would have.  I question myself, my patience, my understanding.  Am I enough?  Do I give enough?  Do I love them enough?  Do I teach them enough?  Are they growing up knowing the gospel?  Are they growing up knowing how to love others?  Are they growing up knowing how to love themselves?  And are they growing up knowing how to be GREAT men?  I hope so.  I pray so.  I believe so.   

How, as parents, can we hold all of these emotions?  Having five children, I sometimes feel like I have to have multiple personalities in the same day to help every child.  But I truly treasure each child for their individuality, their strengths, and even their weaknesses.  My children amaze me every day.  And when I'm weak, when I make mistakes, when I'm so tired I just don't do what I'm supposed to do, I gather my brood and I talk to them.  I tell them how I'm feeling, I tell them I love them, and I tell them I'm sorry when I could have done a better job.  I'm not perfect, they're not perfect.  None of us are perfect, and we are not expected to be perfect.  We are here to learn, grow, make mistakes, and grow from those mistakes.  We are here to receive hardships, and to learn to rely on a loving Heavenly Father to get us through them.  We are also here to learn to serve others, to not get so wrapped up in our own problems that we forget that the friend around the corner may need to talk, or get some help with a ride for their kids, or someone may need babysitting, etc.  As we serve, we strengthen....ourselves and others.  It's a beautiful thing.   

So, am I enough?  Yes.  Are you enough?  Yes.  Can we get through these crazy, amazing, wonderful years of parenting and survive?  Yes!!!!!  

I am so grateful for my husband who lifts me up when I am down and is always a source of strength in our family.  I am grateful for each and every one of my children.  They amaze me every single day.  Sometimes it's a great kind of amazement...and others...well....we all have those kind of days.  But I wouldn't change one of them....they all have different strengths, different weaknesses, but they all have amazing hearts.  I am grateful for my God, who I know has a plan for me, my family, and for this world.  I am grateful for the gospel that has taught me so many correct principles...that allow me to live my life knowing that I will be with my family for eternity.....that allow me to find a strength I never knew I had....that reminds me that when I am low, when I am down, God has got me...and He will always be there.  I am grateful for amazing, wonderful friends.  I am grateful for challenges, and for the ability we all have to get through them.  I am grateful for life....
I was featured HERE today talking about how we started our adoption journey.

Who am I?

Dear Life,

During my young years I struggled.
A lot.
I questioned God.
Did He exist?
I felt unloved as a child/teen.

I am the product of very young parents.  My dad was 17 and my mom barely turned 18 when she had me.
My dad had an alcohol problem.  That turned into a drug problem. He couldn't be there for me, he couldn't even get himself together.
After my parent's divorced when I was one, I didn't see my dad regularly.
Over the years my mother remarried, twice.
I never connected enough with my step fathers.
Alcohol has always been prevalent in my family.
Drugs have also been prevalent in my family.
I suffered from not having good examples to look up to in my immediate family.
I also didn't have a strong relationship with my mother; she has always worked hard to provide for her children but is not a warm and fuzzy person.
My self esteem suffered.
Was I not good enough?
What did I do to deserve this?
Am I a bad person?

By the time I graduated high school, my life was out of control.
I left my mom's house the summer I graduated.
I didn't complete my classes at the local community college.
I had a dead end job.
I had dead end boyfriends.
My life was turning into a dead end.
Dead.
Multiple times from my junior year in high school to age 20 I was in a depression.
I will admit to wanting to end the dead end.
It's scary to be that low.
To not have hope.
To not have faith.
Thankfully I was blessed with a few really amazing friends.
Friends who supported me at my lowest.
Friends who told me to pull my head out of my rear.
And then I met HIM.

He was my best friend almost immediately.
We talked constantly.
(We lived an hour away from each other....so we had to talk a lot)
I went to his house on the weekends.
We fell in love.
We had a baby.

We got married.

In that order.  But that was good. Because of Keoni, I asked Stuart about his church.  I wanted to raise my child in a church.  That was so important to me.  I knew that without having Keoni, I never would have asked about church.  Stuart was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints  He wasn't actively going to church at that time. As  I learned about the beliefs, the standards and the beginnings of the church, Stuart relearned. I knew early on that this church is true and Stuart renewed his faith.
I had a testimony of the gospel.  I finally knew that God existed, and that He had a plan for me. ME.  There was a plan.  I was supposed to go through all of the hard stuff.  It made me who I was.  I found comfort in the gospel.  I found peace.  And one day as I was sitting in the chapel I came to an important realization.  I was NEVER alone.  God was always with me. Even at my lowest, He knew and He was there. He brought people into my life to help me get through it.  People that are still very important to me. And when my life could have spiraled into nothingness, he gave me the best gift of all.
A wonderful man, who loves me unconditionally.  A man who supports me in all that I do.   A man who is an amazingly patient father and husband.  He is a wonderful example.
And then He entrusted me with five of his special spirits.
Sometimes I doubt myself.
Okay...I doubt myself a lot.
But I know I'm not alone.
I will never be alone.
I am a daughter of God.

The day music collided

Dear Life,

Today the best thing happened.  I was listening to my playlist on Spotify (which I LOVE by the way) when my seventeen year old comes over and.....
wait for it......
ASKS me to play
WHITNEY HOUSTON!  

WHAT?????
I KNOW!!!!!!
So I let him choose the song.
You'll never guess......
I Will Always Love You.....
He turned it up loud...
As he started singing and I had to lift my chin up off the floor!
He then proceeded to tell me very matter of factly that Mariah Carey and Kelly Clarkson both said that Whitney Houston was their inspiration.
Who is this kid?????
Let me just clue you in on the fact that we like almost NONE of the same music at this time.  Although I think he secretly likes Adele but he won't ever fess up to that one.
He's still mad that he knows words to country songs since that was all we listened to for a long time when he was younger.  It irritates him that the words come unbidden.
I love being surprised by Keoni and I love that our music collided today!

Linking up over here:

How to get the little man in the Giant Green Cast happy...

Dear Life,

So....we are on week two of the Giant Green Casts.  They are heavy.  They are hard to deal with.  And the poor boy....he's pretty bored.  You try looking at the ceiling all day.  You'd be cranky too!  Yesterday my husband's boss gave him tickets to the Harlem Globetrotters at the Honda Center.  They have a suite....so we were pretty happy we had a place that might be easy to take the little man in the Giant Green Casts.  

Take note of the most awesome breakaway shorts our friend made.....AWESOME 

 Daddy took him out of his wheelchair.....propped his legs on the ledge and we were in business....this is the first time Kumaka wasn't flat on his back.  HE WAS SO HAPPY!

 We were missing a few kids....five of us had a blast while the other two were being good boy scouts getting merit badges.

 We were so thankful we had a place to take the little man in the Giant Green Casts....and that he had fun!  The Harlem Globetrotters are hilarious...Kumaka was dancing in his cast.  THAT is a sight to see!

Linking up at the Sundae Scoop Link Party on  I Heart Nap Time! :)

Post #1 Hip surgery

Dear Life,

  As you all know, Kumaka had major hip surgery a week ago Monday.  We knew it would be a long surgery, we were told 6 hours or so.  That would have made it the second hardest surgery he has had so far.  We knew it was difficult also because the surgeon would be cutting into Kumaka's femur bones to realign them (both legs were out of their hip socket).  I felt impressed to ask our bishop to ask our ward to fast for our family and specifically for our boy.  (read here to find out more about that; journal entry for February 6th).  Sunday night, we were so busy getting everything ready, and then our washer broke so I had to do a couple of loads of laundry at my friends house  so our other kids would have the things they needed while we were gone.  I got home late, and then needed to finish packing for the hospital.  I think we got 3 hours of sleep that night.  We got up at 4:45, woke our kids up, they said goodbye to their brother, and off we went.  We went to the pre-op area where they asked one thousand questions... twice, checked his vitals, made sure he was healthy enough for surgery, and gave him Versed... AKA happy juice.  It just makes him relaxed enough to not be crying and upset when they take him into the OR.  He started getting silly and doing crazy wiggly dances.

Pic of his legs Pre Op
When it was time to take him to the OR prep room, I went with him and Stuart went downstairs.  I talked with him, held his hand, and told him he was such an amazing warrior boy.  He was loopy, and kept staring at the ceiling.  It almost looked like he was seeing something up there.  When they took him, I didn't feel the familiar gut clenching, heart wrenching fear I have felt in the past.  I know this is because so many people prayed for Kumaka and thought about Kumaka and we have felt that love and it brought us peace.  We knew this surgery was the right thing for him.  All we had to do now was wait six long hours.  For those who have had a child in the OR, time goes into slow motion and backwards.  We went to the cafeteria, and feasted on some nasty, rubbery fake cheese omelets and cold bagels.  After eating our barely edible fare, we really wanted to curl up in the cafeteria booth and sleep, but we were afraid the hospital security would see us drooling there and snoring like bears and think we were homeless and kick us out.  So we walked to the front waiting room and waited.  It wasn't long before we were bleary eyed enough to try to go to the car to take a nap.  We told the volunteer where to find us and we took a snooze.  We came back about an hour later, and the volunteers called the OR and asked after our little warrior.  They said he was doing great.  We decided after waiting around another hour or so to go across the way to grab something to eat quickly.  There weren't too many options, fine Italian dining, questionable sushi, and the Steer Inn.  We figured we could get a decent burger at a steak place.  OH MY GOODNESS....were we sooo totally wrong.  Imagine a seventies type place...the booths were high backed with tapestry  on the backs....with bucking horses on them.  You heard me right.

 When we ordered....my husband got a cheeseburger...hard to mess up and I got a beef dip sandwich.  That should have been a win win at a beef joint.  Instead, we got a burger that HAD to be from a frozen patty...so bland and tasteless.  My sandwich was a pathetic attempt at a beef sandwich.  The only thing it had going for it was how small it was.  We asked for ketchup to drown our sorrows and pathetic meal....and we got ketchup....and relish....spooned out in little dishes.  NASTY.  No we didn't use it.

We couldn't finish...we basically paid our bill to get out as quick as possible.  We went back to the hospital, found out the room our little guy would be in, and decided to decorate it with the cards and goodies we brought from his church friends.

Then we went downstairs.  And waited more.  At this point,  we looked at the clock at it was close to two.  They took him into the OR at 7:30.  We expected him to come out any time.  We went to the front desk to ask after him and they told us they were 3/4 of the way done with leg one.  WHAT????  That was unexpected.  So we sat...and sat....and sat....because we did not want to miss the doctor.  Every minute ticked by like an hour....at six our dear friends brought Manna from Heaven...homemade dinner, food for later, yummy cupcakes, and hugs from home.  We finally heard at 6 that they were done with his surgery...they just needed to cast him which would take about 45 minutes.  Wow.  We ate, cleaned up, and the doctor finally came in at 7:30.  12 hours.  He plopped on a chair next to us, and I could tell he was exhausted.  He said it was a very difficult surgery.  He said that Kumaka did well, he showed us an X Ray of our boy with new plates and screws in his legs and went home.  I went into the recovery room with Kumaka...they told me he was awake so I was expecting him to be like his normal post op self.  That wasn't the case.  He had a slight temperature,  he was breathing kind of shallowly, and his heart rate was slightly elevated.  He also wasn't peeing.  NOT NORMAL for our boy.  I could tell the nurses were really concerned about his urine output....and I knew that my husband needed to go to work.  I went up, told Stuart to spend time with him so he could get to work and I sat and waited.  Kumaka spent two hours in the recovery when his normal time is 45 minutes to an hour.  I tried to not worry, he did just go through the longest surgery of his little life.  When he came up, he was awake, but not talking (his throat was swollen and sore from being intubated for 12 hours) and he looked so sad.  My heart broke.

This is a three part series....stay tuned.....

A day at the park....it's not what you think

 Dear Life,

What do you see when you look at this picture?

A child in a wheelchair?

A  boy on the sidelines...not participating?

Do you wonder what he's thinking?

Do you wonder if he's sad?

Do you think he knows he's different?

What do you see now?

A little mischief?

A little gleam in his eye?

Do you wonder what's up his sleeve?

Do you wonder how he will climb that mountain?

Do you wonder if he will succeed?

Who do you see with him now?

A big strong boy?

Could it be a brother?

Do you wonder what he said to him?

Do you wonder where they're going?

Do you wonder how strong this big brother is?

What do you think of this mountain they are climbing?

Can his brother carry him all the way up?

Can he hold on the whole time?

Do you wonder what they are thinking?

Do you think he regrets the offer?

Do you think he resents the climb?

What do you think of the smiles?

Or what of the great big hug?

Did they really get there?

Do you see how much he loves him?

Do you wonder if he's tired?

Do you wonder if he'll always be there?

What do you see in this picture?

Isn't he just a regular little boy?

Or is there something different about this brown eyed child?

Do you see that brilliant smile?

Do you see that glow around him?

Do you doubt Him?

Do you see these children?  

Do you see their strengths?  

Do you see their differences? 

 Do you see their love?

Did you see His love?

 His brother said he will carry him over every mountain....he will always be there for him.  That boy doesn't know he's different, and he knows he'll always be lifted up.

This was a day at the park for us. 

What an eye opening experience.

From...A Mom of Incredible Boys


This song reminds me of my boy:

"The Climb"
Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah